Happy would-be birthday to Gabriel!

As you may (or may not) have noticed, I've kinda dropped the ball on blogging...  I knew that would happen, but I intended for it to be a little more gradual ;).  Yesterday was my would-be due date, so I feel it only appropriate to mark the occasion here.  I considered celebrating the day by doing something special, but as I thought more about it I realized that my due date didn't mean that much... after all, my older two were born 2 weeks *after* their due dates and my 3rd a week early and I don't celebrate their due dates.  It has been a bit of an emotional week for me, though, knowing that I should would be welcoming a newborn into our lives.  Mostly I've moved forward, but then sometimes I'm reminded of the things I'm missing out on like no carseat to put in the car, not getting the chance to nurse him, not having baby things all over the house.  Sometimes, late at night, when it's so quiet and peaceful instead of thinking "Ah, this is nice..." I think "If only I was being awakened by newborn cries..."  But, it is what it is.  No amount of wishing will change that.  On the plus side of things, I've been able to connect with people I'd never have connected with otherwise.  For example, a family friend (who had been informed I was pregnant at some point, but unaware I had lost him) asked me about the baby today.  Any other day I would have been perfectly fine answering, but (since it was today) I burst into tears explaining that I had lost him in August and yesterday would have been his due date.  She was very sweet, apologizing for asking and expressing her condolences.  Without warning a lady standing close by who had overheard my story (whom I had never met) reached over and gave me a warm hug and told me she too had suffered a loss in Oct.  Another woman (who I had also never met) shared her story of losing 4 babies by 13 weeks before being able to have any.  It was a tender moment that I'm grateful to have experienced.  At any rate, happy would-be birthday, Gabriel! :)

Doctor, doctor... (New MTHFR regimen)

I went to a new dr. yesterday who is very familiar w/ MTHFR (which is good...you can read more about that here, if you'd like) and she started me on a new regimen.  The good news: I was *totally* on the right track with all of my bp research before I found out about the MTHFR!  I had purchased and was taking folic acid, b12, and CoQ10.  The bad news? The MTHFR causes me not to process the synthetic forms of these supplements!  She rx'd methyl folate (a broken down form of folic acid), methyl b12, and ubiquinol (an advanced form of coq10)!  Crazy.  She also rx'd b12 *injections*!  YIKES!  I'm supposed to self-administer them 3x/week.  Ha!   Those of you who know me know how I am with needles!  This Dr. actually has the same MTHFR mutation as me, and she said the oral supplements didn't have a "clinical" affect for her, and that the injections are much better, so... I guess I'll try it!  Haven't tried it yet, we'll see if I can do it... Wish me luck!

Acceptance

Ok, so... I haven't blogged in a while.  It's been 14 weeks...  I miss my baby boy and would give *anything* to have him here with us in January.  I've had a hard time sorting my feelings the past few weeks. Mostly, though, because I've been doing pretty well, I guess I just haven't wanted to "stir the pot".  The first few weeks & months were definitely comparative to being stuck on an emotional roller coaster (or merry-go-round, tilt-a-whirl...whatever LOL!).  After 3 long months, things finally started to even out on that front.  I actually feel a bit guilty sometimes because I have been doing so well, but mostly I'm glad.  I do often wonder *why* I feel ok, and here's my theory (because I know how everyone loves my theories ;))...

I think I've somehow (by the grace of God, perhaps) found a way to *really* embrace my grief and moved forward.  I think of it kind of like getting a stomach bug... You know how you get that feeling, like you're gonna throw up and if you avoid it or try to keep telling yourself "I'm not throwing up, I'm not throwing up..."  Which, of course, just makes that horrible, awful sick feeling worse and worse?  Then, once you finally do it's such a relief?!  That's my analogy for grief.  The more you try to suppress it, the worse it gets, and it *will* come out eventually!  So sometimes it's just better to get it out!  Purge!  That's how I am when I'm sick, too. As much as I hate being sick, I hate that almost-sick feeling even worse- I'd rather just upchuck.

So anyway, I do still go back and read old posts, journal entries, and look at pictures.  Some people would say it just prolongs the grieving, but I think that's what's helped me in the end.  And, really, more than anything it's given me a sense of reassurance. Reassurance that this really happened, that my feelings were/are valid, but mostly, reassurance that I won't forget!  A loss like this is not only emotionally taxing, but it changes you.  And I've come to accept that.

Day 29: Healing

HEALING-

If I were to pick one thing that has helped me the most in my healing it would have to be... talking about it.  Whether it be with friends in person, via fb, on my blog or in a support group.  I have found it amazingly therepudic to say what I needed to say!  And, thankfully, I really haven't gotten too much criticism.  This Dr. Seuss quote is perfect...

Day 28: Special Place #captureyourgrief

SPECIAL PLACE-

Here is my special place for Gabriel as of right now... It's not a lot, just something to recognize that he was here, he existed, and he made an impact!

Day 27: Signs #captureyourgrief

SIGNS-

"If you believe in life after death do you believe your child has ways of contacting you? Have you had any signs?"  This is a tricky one as I do believe in life after death, and I do believe our loved ones can contact us, but I am not convinced they always do.  I believe that after this life there is lots to do and that those who pass on are kept quite busy!  I think they can "visit" us if there is need, though.  I'm not sure I've received any signs from Gabriel, but I believe I have been sent signs from my Heavenly Father... That Gabriel's ok, that I'll be ok, that somehow, someway, everything will eventually be ok.  Really, I can't think of many specific signs, just more of a peaceful feeling in my heart, especially when reading scripture or pondering the eternal nature of Families or when I visit the Temple (a special place of worship in our church).

Day 25: Say it out loud. #captureyourgrief

SAY IT OUT LOUD-

Ok... Playing catch-up!  "If you could say anything out loud about your journey with grief with the death or your baby, what would it be? What do you want the world to know? Is there a cause that touches your heart that you want to raise awareness for?"  Ummmm... SO MUCH!  There's no way I could include all I'd want to say in one post!  But more than ANYTHING else: Gabriel wasn't just a "miscarriage", "pregnancy loss", or a case of "fetal demise".  He was, and is, my child and he took a little piece of my heart with him when he left us...

Day 24: Artwork #captureyourgrief

ARTWORK-

I've seen so many beautiful, inspiring pieces of artwork since my loss. However, I chose a drawing my 6 yr old did for me in my birthday card (4 weeks after we lost Gabriel).  Over the picture he wrote "I love you Sory a lot the baby dide".  Interesting and sweet how Gabriel's death affected him...

Day 23: Jewelry #captureyourgrief

JEWELRY-

So, I've totally been neglecting my blog for the past week for several reasons... First of all it's been really busy around here.  I've also thrown myself head first into researching this MTHFR gene mutation that I have (you can read about that here, if you haven't already).  Next the topics this week were kinda tricky and many were things I haven't quite delved into... After all it's only been two months (which sometimes feels like just yesterday and sometimes feels like a LIFETIME ago)!  And lastly I've just been in a place where I felt like I needed a break... from talking about it...  Well, anyway, I'm back, and today's (actually yesterday's, but that's where I'm starting) picture/ theme is "Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby? Or maybe a tattoo?"  Well, the answer is Yes, I do.  It's not much, and I have some other things in mind that I'd like to get, but for now I have a  simple but beautiful necklace that I got from an organization called August Wings.  It's a broken heart and has Gabriel's name stamped into it. Kinda symbolic, don't ya think?  I wear it all the time. While it's by far not a good substitute for having him, it is something I can have with me even though he isn't.

Day 17: Time #captureyourgrief

TIME-

As of now it's been 8 weeks, 6 days, 5 hours, and 20 minutes since Gabriel's birth.  Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday, other times it feels like a lifetime ago!  I've been doing pretty well overall, but the pain still comes and goes. Sometimes I wonder how long that will last...

Day 15: Wave of Light #captureyourgrief

Wave of light-

Not a lot to say today...  It's national Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day so we were to light a candle at 7:00 p.m. and leave it burning for 1 hour to keep a wave of light going around the world for all the angel babies lost to us here on Earth.  My candle burned bright for my very own angel.

Day 14: Family #captureyourgrief

FAMILY-

You may or may not have noticed, but I skipped yesterday.  It was supposed to be a book that has helped me along this journey of grief, but I couldn't think of anything I could share that fit that category, so I skipped it.  Today is family.  I have a husband who, despite any flaws, always steps up and comes through for me for the big stuff.  Because we were sealed for time & all eternity I know our family can be together forever.  I currently have three beautiful children whom I now wonder how I had without problems! They are 8, 6 & 4 and I don't tell them enough how proud of them I am.  And now I have an angel baby who may not be visible in our family portraits, but will always be part of our family.  I also have countless extended family without whom I wouldn't be who I am.

Day 12: Article #captureyourgrief

ARTICLE-

I have read countless articles about miscarriage, causes, coping with miscarriage, talking about it and more!  I'm not sure how to even go about picking one, but I knew right away it had to be something from "Lost Innocents", a site I came across many months ago... Long before I could have possibly known what was going to happen.  Matushka Anna (who's site this is) does a lovely job of being direct and to the point, but still gentle.  She and I differ slightly in our faith, but I haven't found that to matter much in my reading.  I am one who likes to have as much information as possible to feel at least semi in control of a situation and she gives a lot of good information.  I really felt like happening upon her blog before I needed it was yet another way the Lord was gently preparing me for what was to come. I love that she incorporates actual pictures and actual stories.  Here is a great post/article about picking up the pieces after a loss.  She covered all the big things that had crossed my mind after I lost Gabriel and she did it with a grace and gentleness I so appreciated.

Day 11: Triggers #captureyourgrief

EMOTIONAL TRIGGERS-

I almost switched today's topic out for another because the things that trigger my emotions are often completely unpredictable still!  There are days when almost everything set me off, and other days when I can handle it all with a smile.  I haven't figured out how to predict, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to!  There are things that are always triggers, it's just a matter of how strongly I react on any given moment.  Sometimes it's little random things that set me off like a cute shirt I'd pinned on Pinterest that I was planning on making for Halloween.  There are certain songs that always bring me to tears, but sometimes even a random song on the radio reminds me of Gabriel and sets me off without warning.  Pregnant ladies and newborns don't generally bother me like you may expect with one exception.  I have a very dear friend who is due within days of Gabriel's due date and that is still really hard for me to face.  (If she's reading this she'll know I'm referring to her and I hope that she understands it's not her, just the situation!)  I'm not angry or bitter at all, it's just a hard situation.  Sometimes looking through my pictures of Gabriel is a trigger, but sometimes it's a great comfort!  Coming across cute maternity clothes at the store is especially difficult at times.  I was right at the stage in pregnancy where I was really enjoying being pregnant, so reminders of pregnancy are often  harder for me right now than baby things.  I'm sure that will evolve as time passes.  Oh! I almost forgot to mention the lab results I got back this week.  Finding out I have a gene mutation that likely cost my baby's life has been hard on me!  (You can read more about that here) I know it's not my fault, but it's impossible not to wonder if I could have prevented this.  The biggest trigger of all lately, though, has been quiet time, especially lying in bed at night!  Being left to my own thoughts is tricky these days... There are many, many more, but it's so unpredictable I couldn't even begin to guess at some of them!  However, like I said, a lot of times I'm perfectly ok with the things I've mentioned!  Funny thing, grief is!

Day 10: Beliefs #captureyourgrief

BELIEFS-

Oh my! I don't think one post & picture could ever be enough to cover my beliefs!  I will say that this is an important one for me, as I have relied heavily on my faith and beliefs through this period!  I can't really say why, but this experience hasn't made me question my faith, if anything it has strengthened it.  There's a lot to say on this subject, but I'm going to try to keep this fairly succinct...

I believe that we existed as spirits before this life, and that a large part of why we were sent here to Earth is to recieve a physical body, and to learn the lessons necessary to return home.  I believe some spirits have been faithful enough that they need only to come long enough to recieve their body and can return without any further trial.  I've heard some say that there can't possibly be a reason for one's child to be taken from them, but I believe that everything happens for a reason.  We may or may not ever know why things happen the way they do, but I do NOT believe that we're left to be tossed in the wind or left in the hands of fate.  I believe in a kind, loving, omnipotent Father in Heaven.  I believe that He allows trials and hard times to happen to us to teach us lessons we need to learn and proves our faithfulness, the "refiner's fire", but I don't believe God causes these trials to come upon us to punish us, nor wishes them upon us.  I think He hurts and grieves right alongside us in times of sorrow.  I know from my own experiences that He will always be there to comfort us if we reach out to Him.  I believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior and has provided us a way to return to Him again! I believe there is life after death and that families can be together forever!  I believe that we can speak to our Father in Heaven through prayer and that He will answer!  Do I know for certain I will see Gabriel again?  If I were to be completely honest I would have to say no, as miscarriage is a "gray area"- BUT I have hope that I will because families are forever!  More than anything else, I know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and a Savior who understands my heartache!  I know He will never leave me comfortless!  President Thomas S. Monson (the President of our church and our Prophet) said in a recent address "Only the Master knows the depths of our trials, our pain, and our suffering. He alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity. He alone touches our tortured souls with His comforting words: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." 

(Angel Moroni atop the LDS Temple in Atlanta, GA)

Day 9: Music #captureyourgrief

MUSIC-

Today I'm supposed to chose a song / music that reminds me of Gabriel.  There are several songs that I've really grown to love, but two that stand out in my mind.  The funny thing is, I don't think they could be any more different!  The first one is "He'll Carry You" by Hilary Weeks.  It more relates to my whole experience than Gabriel specifically, but I really, REALLY love it.

The other is "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne.  I know, right?  A strange mashup for sure! What can I say, I have eclectic taste in music ;)  I'm not sure how this song was intended, but it really fits.

Day 8: Color #captureyourgrief

Color-

Oops! Got my daily post written and fell asleep without posting it!  Ummmm... What color would I say represents Gabriel?  I guess that would probably be blue.  Sky blue...and white.  I wouldn't say I have a particular liking to blue, but it just seems to fit since he's forever my baby boy. More than just the color blue, though, I've been especially drawn to the blue sky.  I've found myself noticing and taking pictures of the sky more often than before.  Perhaps in hopes that he's up there watching over me, I don't know.  White reminds me of purity. Of Angels.  Blue & white both make me think of eternity, of the heavens. Blue is a soft, calm, peaceful color, and white is simple and pure and bright.  So, blue & white it is. :)

Day 7: Me Now #captureyourgrief

Me-

Oooooohhhhh... Another hard one!  The topic is actually "You now" and it said "Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?"  How do I answer this?!?  It's only been less than 2 months... Well, the best way to describe me now is that most of the time I'm ok, just sometimes I'm not.  For it only to have only been a little over 7 weeks I think I'm doing alright!  I still have my moments.  The first week or two were pretty rough.  I cried a LOT.  Since then, those moments seem to be getting fewer and farther between, but they're still there.  For example, I lay in my bed and cried last night.  DH happened to still be awake and was a little surprised.  It wasn't the first time I'd lay there crying, but I guess it was the first time he was still awake.  He kept asking me what happened and what was wrong, but there really wasn't anything in particular.  It's those quiet moments when my mind starts reeling that really present a problem for me.  It's aggravating to randomly feel like crying. It sucks to think about what I've lost.  It's frustrating knowing that people are starting to forget what I've been through.  But like I said, these moments don't happen quite as frequently now.  I don't necessarily hide my grief, but it has gotten easier and easier "put on" my happy face and push aside my sorrow when I need to.  It's a delicate balance, but the scales are usually tipped toward 'happy' ;)

Day 6: Ritual #captureyourgrief

RITUAL-

Today's topic for our daily photo is a ritual that helps you get through the day.  I don't have any specific rituals, per say, but the thing that has helped me the most to get through day to day is gratitude.  As trite and holier-than-thou as that may sound, looking for things to be thankful for is what has helped me the most.  Finding the silver lining (so to speak), counting my blessings!  By doing this on particularly bad days I've been able to stay positive enough to keep from sinking too low in my grief.  However, there really have been so many things to be thankful for (which I touched on here).  I really do believe this statement... There is always, always, ALWAYS something to be grateful for!

Day 5: Memory #captureyourgrief

MEMORY-

I think what really stands out in my mind when I think back on my short time with Gabriel is the day I found out I was pregnant. It was the Thursday before Mother's Day.  I had taken a test the Friday before and the week before that, and they had both been negative.  At that point, I was almost 7 weeks out from my last period.  I'd developed hypertension during my last pregnancy (4 years ago) and along with that had had pretty irregular cycles, so I was pretty convinced that I needed to have some hormonal tests run to see if I had developed some sort of imbalance.  However, I decided to try once more (just in case) before I went and made a fool of myself.  Well, you could imagine my surprise when that second blue line appeared almost immediately!  It was a pretty awesome Mother's Day treat, to say the least. :)