Day 10: Beliefs #captureyourgrief

BELIEFS-

Oh my! I don't think one post & picture could ever be enough to cover my beliefs!  I will say that this is an important one for me, as I have relied heavily on my faith and beliefs through this period!  I can't really say why, but this experience hasn't made me question my faith, if anything it has strengthened it.  There's a lot to say on this subject, but I'm going to try to keep this fairly succinct...

I believe that we existed as spirits before this life, and that a large part of why we were sent here to Earth is to recieve a physical body, and to learn the lessons necessary to return home.  I believe some spirits have been faithful enough that they need only to come long enough to recieve their body and can return without any further trial.  I've heard some say that there can't possibly be a reason for one's child to be taken from them, but I believe that everything happens for a reason.  We may or may not ever know why things happen the way they do, but I do NOT believe that we're left to be tossed in the wind or left in the hands of fate.  I believe in a kind, loving, omnipotent Father in Heaven.  I believe that He allows trials and hard times to happen to us to teach us lessons we need to learn and proves our faithfulness, the "refiner's fire", but I don't believe God causes these trials to come upon us to punish us, nor wishes them upon us.  I think He hurts and grieves right alongside us in times of sorrow.  I know from my own experiences that He will always be there to comfort us if we reach out to Him.  I believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior and has provided us a way to return to Him again! I believe there is life after death and that families can be together forever!  I believe that we can speak to our Father in Heaven through prayer and that He will answer!  Do I know for certain I will see Gabriel again?  If I were to be completely honest I would have to say no, as miscarriage is a "gray area"- BUT I have hope that I will because families are forever!  More than anything else, I know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and a Savior who understands my heartache!  I know He will never leave me comfortless!  President Thomas S. Monson (the President of our church and our Prophet) said in a recent address "Only the Master knows the depths of our trials, our pain, and our suffering. He alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity. He alone touches our tortured souls with His comforting words: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." 

(Angel Moroni atop the LDS Temple in Atlanta, GA)

So... What happened?!

Well, tomorrow marks 4 weeks since Gabriel's birth.  Coincidentally, it's also my 29th birthday.  Well, it is what it is and so I think I'll finally get around to sharing my story with you to commemorate the occasion...

I'd had a rather uneventful pregnancy up to my 16 week appt (which was actually closer to 17 weeks) at which point my bp was a little high.  Not scary-high, just borderline.  We know his heart was still beating at that point, because it was easy to find with the doppler & I had an ultrasound to find out his sex (boy! ;))  The only other issue I'd had was my Vitamin D levels were on the low side (also not a huge concern)  I'm almost certain I was 17 weeks and either 3 or 4 days when his heart stopped because that's when I felt like something was wrong. Monday I felt like something was a little off.  My husband was out of town, so I called to tell him my concerns, and he reassured me best he could.  I hadn't felt any movement for a while, but it was still pretty early, so that wasn't a huge red flag.  Tuesday morning I still felt like something was strange, so I pulled out my home doppler and tried to find his hb and couldn't!  I had no unusual symptoms to speak of- no cramping, no bleeding, no anything. As a matter of fact, if anything, I had fewer symptoms than usual!  I tried again later, and again the next morning.  Still nothing.  I was trying not to panic (especially since I knew it wouldn't have done any good...)  Anyway, I had an appointment first the next morning (Thursday) to have my bp checked.  That's when it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat.  I did add a page with my whole story, so if you would like to read it in it's entirety you can go here (please be aware that it is fairly detailed and includes pictures of Gabriel).

Here is what I posted on FB that day:

"This may be too much information for some of you, but I feel like a one time explanation would be preferable over having to tell everyone individually. So, here goes... I went in for a routine bp check this morning and discovered the baby had no heartbeat. I am just over 17 weeks [I was actually right at 18 weeks... not sure what I was thinking...]  I can't explain it exactly, but I already knew. As soon as I suspected a problem I prayed for two things. 1) If this was His will that I would be allowed sufficient warning so I wouldn't be surprised and 2) That I would have the chance to get things taken care of w/out surgery. As always, I am consistently reminded of the tender mercies of the Lord. Last night I received a blessing that was exactly what I need to hear. Not what I wanted, but what I needed. I cried most of the night because I *knew*. Then at the Dr. (although I did have to wait a crazy long time) everyone was very gentle and sweet and there was nobody in the waiting room when I left, which was strangely comforting. We are currently at the hospital with the nicest possible nurse (who will be here all night) in the process of being induced so I can avoid a D&E. And lastly, a miscarriage has always been top on my list of fears. I truly feel that a miscarriage at any point in my life prior to now would have completely crippled me, but at this point in my life I feel like it is (at very least) manageable. Graig and I are both holding up alright, but prayers would be greatly appreciated."

This is my post from later that day:

"Thought I'd better give y'all a quick update. We're still at the hospital, but all done and just waiting for discharge. Gabriel Travis Daniels was born at 2:08 weighing 3.9 oz and measuring 7" long. It's been a rough day to say the least, but I'm thankful for all the little things that made it just a tad bit easier. Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and prayers."

So, what happened??  Honestly, we don't know.  They're were no signs of an infection, no signs of a cord accident, and no obvious signs of any deformities.  They did do some genetic tests, but we won't know the results for a little while, yet.  I think I would be more surprised if thy did find something than if they didn't.  I have decided that I am at peace with the understanding that this was the plan for us at this time.   Don't get me wrong... there will always be a piece missing from my heart, but I have chosen to be grateful that this has been as gentle an experience as it could've been.  Well, considering the circumstances...

Journey to a Promised Land

 Most of you know that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which means I am a "Mormon".  Last night I attended a regional meeting for women in the church, and the woman who spoke was the president of the entire Relief Society (the women's organization) of the church.  At the end of her talk she read a scripture from the Book of Mormon (a book of scripture we use alongside the Bible) that was just so applicable to me right now, that I wanted to share.
To give you some background, this excerpt is an account of a group of people called the Jaredites who lived during the time of the Tower of Babel (found in Genesis 11:1-9).  As the story goes, the Jaredites asked the Lord to spare them from the confusion that ensued after the tower was built and the Lord came down to confound the language of the people.  Because the Jaredites had righteous desires, He commanded them to build vessels to travel across the seas to the Promised Land (the Americas) and away from the destruction.  Here is their account:

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     And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind. 

      And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.
      And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters.
     And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind.
      And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord.
      And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water.
     And thus they were driven forth, three hundred and forty and four days upon the water.
     And they did land upon the shore of the promised land. And when they had set their feet upon the shores of the promised land they bowed themselves down upon the face of the land, and did humble themselves before the Lord, and did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his tender mercies over them.
                                                                                                                                   Book of Mormon; Ether Ch.6, vs. 5-12

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Now, on to why I wanted to share this... ;)

How similar are our lives to this journey?  As we travel toward our metaphorical (or literal) "Promised Land" we are often tossed by the winds and waves along the way.  Sometimes the greatness of the wind and waves becoming mighty tempests, and sometimes feeling completely buried by our trials!  However, there's glad news, too! Though the winds of tribulation are often fierce and unceasing, they are ALWAYS pushing us towards the promises of the Lord!  If we will cry out to the Him, even in the depth of our sorrows, he will always rescue us from our despair.  These people never ceased to praise and give thanks to Lord, and because of their righteousness and endurance He protected them and gave them the light of Christ to *always* be with them, above or beneath the waters.  I've learned that we, too, can have that, during easy or difficult periods of our lives!  Then, when they finally reached the Promised Land they immediately bowed down once again to give praise and thanks to the Lord for His many tender mercies!  Do we do that?  Do we remember to Thank the Lord in trialing times AND when the trial is over?  I learned this story as a child, but never until this experience had I recognized how specifically it can apply to us!  I was just so grateful Sis. Burton felt impressed to share this scripture with us last night, so I just wanted to pass my 2¢ along to you all, because of how impressed I was at the parallels (while perhaps not literal) in this section.  As always, thanks for reading (whoever might be doing so... :oP)!