Day 9: Music #captureyourgrief

MUSIC-

Today I'm supposed to chose a song / music that reminds me of Gabriel.  There are several songs that I've really grown to love, but two that stand out in my mind.  The funny thing is, I don't think they could be any more different!  The first one is "He'll Carry You" by Hilary Weeks.  It more relates to my whole experience than Gabriel specifically, but I really, REALLY love it.

The other is "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne.  I know, right?  A strange mashup for sure! What can I say, I have eclectic taste in music ;)  I'm not sure how this song was intended, but it really fits.

Day 4: Legacy #captureyourgrief

Legacy-

I started by asking myself what, exactly, is a legacy?  So, I looked around online and found this:

"Often when you think about legacy, it’s something that is left behind after a person has passed... The requirements of a legacy are that you embrace your uniqueness...so that your gift will be to all and...will have a life beyond that of you, its creator, outliving and outlasting your time on earth."

Hmmmmm...  But how can someone who's life had barely begun possibly leave a legacy??  Well, I think the best way to define Gabriel's legacy is to go the route of how, in his very short time with us, he changed my life.  For starters, I cry more.  I'm not sure how long that will last, but I suspect it's just a new personality trait.  I now live in a new reality where life is a little more fragile and a piece of me is missing.  There are little reminders of what I lost everywhere, and I wear my heart on my sleeve!  Now that the sad stuff has been said, there is a lot of good that Gabriel left behind, too!  From this experience I have learned to more fully trust in the Lord and His plan for me!  I am more convinced than ever that He will not allow more hardship than I can handle.  I also know that, if we will allow it, He will be right there by our side in every step of our trials.  I know now not to take for granted that things will go as they should, because you never know!  What happened with Gabriel has inspired me to get healthier, to try a little harder in everything I do, and to love the ones I love just a little more!  Hopefully the good stuff lasts as long as the sad. ;)

P.S.  I really hope to be able to make some sort of memory box, keepsake, blankets... I don't know, something...to donate to local hospitals or other bereaved parents, I just haven't gotten that far yet ;). One day...

The Reunion

The past few days have been hard.  Not sure why, but they have.  I don't think anything's been different!  Well, whatever... It is what it is!  I found this poem yesterday (I know, right? Another poem?! Well, what can I say... there are a bunch of 'em out there!) Anyway, I really like it.  Since there's no credited author I took some liberty and changed a few of the words.

The Reunion

Since Heaven has become your home

I sometimes feel I'm so alone,

And though I know we're not far apart

You hold a sliver of my heart.

I never knew how much I'd grieve

When it was time for you to leave

Or just how much my heart would ache

From that small fragment you would take!

God lets this tender hole remain

Reminding me well meet again,

And when we do my pain will cease

For He'll restore that missing piece!

He'll turn to joy my every tear

The day I hold you oh, so near!

Then together, forever we will stay

Beginning on that Reunion Day!

~Unknown

I can't even begin to tell you how much hope I have looking forward to that day when I get to see my baby again!!
Until then... XOXO to you, my sweet Gabriel!

Why are you crying, Mommy?

Today I was sitting there reading an article online about fathers & miscarriage and something in it hit a chord with me, and the tears started flowing (yet again...). My 6 yr old stopped in his tracks and asked me why I was crying.  I told him I read something that made me sad, and left it at that.  It's hard to explain to kids why you're sad. While I don't try to hide my grief from them, I don't want them to worry, either.  I'm not always sad... Promise! Most of the time when they ask questions, we're able to talk openly about what happened to the baby without any problem.  But other times I can't even think about him/it without tearing up!  Sometimes the hurt is buried beneath the hustle and bustle of daily life, sometimes it subsides enough to push it aside and smile and laugh with my kids and friends, but sometimes, no matter how hard I try, the grief  lurks just below the surface waiting for something, ANYthing to trigger the waterworks.  How can you explain to a child that grief comes and goes, but doesn't really disappear?  I would say that one day they'll understand, but as a mom, my hope would be that they never do!

So... What happened?!

Well, tomorrow marks 4 weeks since Gabriel's birth.  Coincidentally, it's also my 29th birthday.  Well, it is what it is and so I think I'll finally get around to sharing my story with you to commemorate the occasion...

I'd had a rather uneventful pregnancy up to my 16 week appt (which was actually closer to 17 weeks) at which point my bp was a little high.  Not scary-high, just borderline.  We know his heart was still beating at that point, because it was easy to find with the doppler & I had an ultrasound to find out his sex (boy! ;))  The only other issue I'd had was my Vitamin D levels were on the low side (also not a huge concern)  I'm almost certain I was 17 weeks and either 3 or 4 days when his heart stopped because that's when I felt like something was wrong. Monday I felt like something was a little off.  My husband was out of town, so I called to tell him my concerns, and he reassured me best he could.  I hadn't felt any movement for a while, but it was still pretty early, so that wasn't a huge red flag.  Tuesday morning I still felt like something was strange, so I pulled out my home doppler and tried to find his hb and couldn't!  I had no unusual symptoms to speak of- no cramping, no bleeding, no anything. As a matter of fact, if anything, I had fewer symptoms than usual!  I tried again later, and again the next morning.  Still nothing.  I was trying not to panic (especially since I knew it wouldn't have done any good...)  Anyway, I had an appointment first the next morning (Thursday) to have my bp checked.  That's when it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat.  I did add a page with my whole story, so if you would like to read it in it's entirety you can go here (please be aware that it is fairly detailed and includes pictures of Gabriel).

Here is what I posted on FB that day:

"This may be too much information for some of you, but I feel like a one time explanation would be preferable over having to tell everyone individually. So, here goes... I went in for a routine bp check this morning and discovered the baby had no heartbeat. I am just over 17 weeks [I was actually right at 18 weeks... not sure what I was thinking...]  I can't explain it exactly, but I already knew. As soon as I suspected a problem I prayed for two things. 1) If this was His will that I would be allowed sufficient warning so I wouldn't be surprised and 2) That I would have the chance to get things taken care of w/out surgery. As always, I am consistently reminded of the tender mercies of the Lord. Last night I received a blessing that was exactly what I need to hear. Not what I wanted, but what I needed. I cried most of the night because I *knew*. Then at the Dr. (although I did have to wait a crazy long time) everyone was very gentle and sweet and there was nobody in the waiting room when I left, which was strangely comforting. We are currently at the hospital with the nicest possible nurse (who will be here all night) in the process of being induced so I can avoid a D&E. And lastly, a miscarriage has always been top on my list of fears. I truly feel that a miscarriage at any point in my life prior to now would have completely crippled me, but at this point in my life I feel like it is (at very least) manageable. Graig and I are both holding up alright, but prayers would be greatly appreciated."

This is my post from later that day:

"Thought I'd better give y'all a quick update. We're still at the hospital, but all done and just waiting for discharge. Gabriel Travis Daniels was born at 2:08 weighing 3.9 oz and measuring 7" long. It's been a rough day to say the least, but I'm thankful for all the little things that made it just a tad bit easier. Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and prayers."

So, what happened??  Honestly, we don't know.  They're were no signs of an infection, no signs of a cord accident, and no obvious signs of any deformities.  They did do some genetic tests, but we won't know the results for a little while, yet.  I think I would be more surprised if thy did find something than if they didn't.  I have decided that I am at peace with the understanding that this was the plan for us at this time.   Don't get me wrong... there will always be a piece missing from my heart, but I have chosen to be grateful that this has been as gentle an experience as it could've been.  Well, considering the circumstances...

"Blessed are they that mourn..."

Matthew 5:4 says "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.".  To be completely truthful I've always thought that was an odd sentiment.  Mourning is a part of life, but  to say that those who mourn are "blessed"?  Why would Christ say that??  Well, through losing Gabriel I've found a whole new meaning in this brief scripture! It's not necessarily in the mourning that we are blessed, but in the uniquely specific comfort that we are privy to because of the mourning!  By putting it in writing, it seems simple, but it just never clicked.  I have never felt such profound comfort any other time in my life.  It doesn't come automatically... We have to seek it, but it's there!  Like I said, pretty obvious, right?  "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted!"

"In His Constant Care" by Simon Dewey

{I absolutely LOVE this painting!}

Hi, my name is Jamie, and I lost a baby to miscarriage...

I'm going to start by saying, I'm not much of a blogger... But I'm not much of a journal-er either and I think the vast majority of my Facebook friends have grown tired of me using FB as my outlet ;).  However, I've found sharing my thoughts and feelings freely and openly much more comforting than I ever expected!  I found a quote that says "A heartbreak isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding.  Sometimes it's as quiet as a feather falling and the most painful part is that nobody hears it but you."  I can't even tell you how huge a relief it is to know there are others who "heard" your heart break.  So... Here I am.

I have recently experienced something that way too many other women have before, and will in the future.  A miscarriage.  In my case his heart stopped at 17 1/2 weeks, and he was born 3-4 days later at what would have been 18 weeks.  Mine was what would be classified as a "late-term miscarriage" because it was after 13 weeks, but before 20 (which would have then been considered a "stillbirth").  I intend for this to be a place for me to let out the things in my mind and heart to help me continue on with my life, which, of course, is inevitable ;).  Much of what I will post (especially in the beginning) is stuff I've already written elsewhere, but it had nowhere to go, so it may be slightly out of order for a while.  Bear with me, I'm new at this :)

(For those of you who don't know, this is my own photograph.

It's one of my favorites ;) )