Day 9: Music #captureyourgrief

MUSIC-

Today I'm supposed to chose a song / music that reminds me of Gabriel.  There are several songs that I've really grown to love, but two that stand out in my mind.  The funny thing is, I don't think they could be any more different!  The first one is "He'll Carry You" by Hilary Weeks.  It more relates to my whole experience than Gabriel specifically, but I really, REALLY love it.

The other is "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne.  I know, right?  A strange mashup for sure! What can I say, I have eclectic taste in music ;)  I'm not sure how this song was intended, but it really fits.

Day 7: Me Now #captureyourgrief

Me-

Oooooohhhhh... Another hard one!  The topic is actually "You now" and it said "Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?"  How do I answer this?!?  It's only been less than 2 months... Well, the best way to describe me now is that most of the time I'm ok, just sometimes I'm not.  For it only to have only been a little over 7 weeks I think I'm doing alright!  I still have my moments.  The first week or two were pretty rough.  I cried a LOT.  Since then, those moments seem to be getting fewer and farther between, but they're still there.  For example, I lay in my bed and cried last night.  DH happened to still be awake and was a little surprised.  It wasn't the first time I'd lay there crying, but I guess it was the first time he was still awake.  He kept asking me what happened and what was wrong, but there really wasn't anything in particular.  It's those quiet moments when my mind starts reeling that really present a problem for me.  It's aggravating to randomly feel like crying. It sucks to think about what I've lost.  It's frustrating knowing that people are starting to forget what I've been through.  But like I said, these moments don't happen quite as frequently now.  I don't necessarily hide my grief, but it has gotten easier and easier "put on" my happy face and push aside my sorrow when I need to.  It's a delicate balance, but the scales are usually tipped toward 'happy' ;)

The Reunion

The past few days have been hard.  Not sure why, but they have.  I don't think anything's been different!  Well, whatever... It is what it is!  I found this poem yesterday (I know, right? Another poem?! Well, what can I say... there are a bunch of 'em out there!) Anyway, I really like it.  Since there's no credited author I took some liberty and changed a few of the words.

The Reunion

Since Heaven has become your home

I sometimes feel I'm so alone,

And though I know we're not far apart

You hold a sliver of my heart.

I never knew how much I'd grieve

When it was time for you to leave

Or just how much my heart would ache

From that small fragment you would take!

God lets this tender hole remain

Reminding me well meet again,

And when we do my pain will cease

For He'll restore that missing piece!

He'll turn to joy my every tear

The day I hold you oh, so near!

Then together, forever we will stay

Beginning on that Reunion Day!

~Unknown

I can't even begin to tell you how much hope I have looking forward to that day when I get to see my baby again!!
Until then... XOXO to you, my sweet Gabriel!

So... What happened?!

Well, tomorrow marks 4 weeks since Gabriel's birth.  Coincidentally, it's also my 29th birthday.  Well, it is what it is and so I think I'll finally get around to sharing my story with you to commemorate the occasion...

I'd had a rather uneventful pregnancy up to my 16 week appt (which was actually closer to 17 weeks) at which point my bp was a little high.  Not scary-high, just borderline.  We know his heart was still beating at that point, because it was easy to find with the doppler & I had an ultrasound to find out his sex (boy! ;))  The only other issue I'd had was my Vitamin D levels were on the low side (also not a huge concern)  I'm almost certain I was 17 weeks and either 3 or 4 days when his heart stopped because that's when I felt like something was wrong. Monday I felt like something was a little off.  My husband was out of town, so I called to tell him my concerns, and he reassured me best he could.  I hadn't felt any movement for a while, but it was still pretty early, so that wasn't a huge red flag.  Tuesday morning I still felt like something was strange, so I pulled out my home doppler and tried to find his hb and couldn't!  I had no unusual symptoms to speak of- no cramping, no bleeding, no anything. As a matter of fact, if anything, I had fewer symptoms than usual!  I tried again later, and again the next morning.  Still nothing.  I was trying not to panic (especially since I knew it wouldn't have done any good...)  Anyway, I had an appointment first the next morning (Thursday) to have my bp checked.  That's when it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat.  I did add a page with my whole story, so if you would like to read it in it's entirety you can go here (please be aware that it is fairly detailed and includes pictures of Gabriel).

Here is what I posted on FB that day:

"This may be too much information for some of you, but I feel like a one time explanation would be preferable over having to tell everyone individually. So, here goes... I went in for a routine bp check this morning and discovered the baby had no heartbeat. I am just over 17 weeks [I was actually right at 18 weeks... not sure what I was thinking...]  I can't explain it exactly, but I already knew. As soon as I suspected a problem I prayed for two things. 1) If this was His will that I would be allowed sufficient warning so I wouldn't be surprised and 2) That I would have the chance to get things taken care of w/out surgery. As always, I am consistently reminded of the tender mercies of the Lord. Last night I received a blessing that was exactly what I need to hear. Not what I wanted, but what I needed. I cried most of the night because I *knew*. Then at the Dr. (although I did have to wait a crazy long time) everyone was very gentle and sweet and there was nobody in the waiting room when I left, which was strangely comforting. We are currently at the hospital with the nicest possible nurse (who will be here all night) in the process of being induced so I can avoid a D&E. And lastly, a miscarriage has always been top on my list of fears. I truly feel that a miscarriage at any point in my life prior to now would have completely crippled me, but at this point in my life I feel like it is (at very least) manageable. Graig and I are both holding up alright, but prayers would be greatly appreciated."

This is my post from later that day:

"Thought I'd better give y'all a quick update. We're still at the hospital, but all done and just waiting for discharge. Gabriel Travis Daniels was born at 2:08 weighing 3.9 oz and measuring 7" long. It's been a rough day to say the least, but I'm thankful for all the little things that made it just a tad bit easier. Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and prayers."

So, what happened??  Honestly, we don't know.  They're were no signs of an infection, no signs of a cord accident, and no obvious signs of any deformities.  They did do some genetic tests, but we won't know the results for a little while, yet.  I think I would be more surprised if thy did find something than if they didn't.  I have decided that I am at peace with the understanding that this was the plan for us at this time.   Don't get me wrong... there will always be a piece missing from my heart, but I have chosen to be grateful that this has been as gentle an experience as it could've been.  Well, considering the circumstances...

"O death, where is thy sting?"

Today marks 1 year since the car accident that took my brother-in-law's life.  He was only 24. I know this doesn't directly relate to my story and what this blog is about, but due to my recent experience it got me thinking a lot about death in general today.  Death is an unfortunate part of life, you cannot have one without the other.  I know, I know... You're all probably thinking "Thanks, a lot, Captain Obvious!"  Well, there's really not much I can say that hasn't already been said about death, but that's what's been on my mind.  You really never know how long you'll have on this earth, or how long you'll have with the ones you love! One of my favorite scriptures about death is found in 1 Corinthians 15:55 "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?"  Simple, yet profound!  We all have had or will have to face death many different ways and times in our lives, but through the Atonement of Christ the sting of death can be overcome!  What an incredible thought!

Something else that I've been thinking a lot about lately is how interesting it is that we all cope so differently with the grief associated with death!  The questions crossed my mind "Do we not all have  similar feelings of grief?" "Do some people experience grief with more intensity?" "Why do some people still have a hard time moving on after years, while others are able to get back to life after a few weeks?"  I've determined that my opinion (you'll find I have lots of those and am not terribly shy about sharing them. LOL!) is that we do all have similar feelings of grief after a loss of any kind, but that the severity and duration vary due to our personal religious or philosophical beliefs and coping abilities.  While I don't think we ever really "get over" the loss of a loved one, I do think we can get over the grief (perhaps w/ some help).  We're each unique in how we handle things, so I think it takes some experimentation to find things that help each individual. I'm no expert, but my advice?  Listen to your heart!  Do what helps you (as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else), seek out people who are supportive and steer clear of those who aren't.  Try different things.  Oftentimes the things we find helpful aren't things you ever would have predicted.  I know that's been very true for me!  And one last thing... Be kind. Be sensitive!  You just never know what others may be going through, or how they may be feeling, which is why we should try never to judge.  But, you know... those are just my thoughts... ;)

Unexpected Storm...

Yes, I realize I just posted earlier today, but I have some catching up to do ;)  I thought it would be a good idea to explain the title of my blog: "Unexpected Storm".  While it may seem somewhat self-explanitory, theres a little more to it than meets the eye.  I do want to say that over all I feel like I've been able to cope pretty well (and I take no credit for that, but that's for another post...).  I've been able to recognize many tender mercies by my Heavenly Father from the very begining of all of this that lessened the blow a bit (so to speak), but nothing could have prepared me for the depth of sorrow that I would feel.  There have been a lot of days especially in the first week or two that were just plain HARD!  The grief I experienced (as too many mother's before me can testify) was overwhelming and profound.  The first morning after I had my sweet angel I woke up sobbbing and that has never happened to me before!  It really did take me by surprise.  This is how I described it to my friends & family on facebook on a particularly difficult day: "There is very little (if anything) anyone can say or do to make things 'better'  when your heart is hurting. The days are getting better and easier overall, but the pain comes and goes with the tiniest provocation, and all you can do is allow it, and wait for it to pass. When you experience this kind of heartache (for whatever reason) it is beyond reassuring to know the Lord cares and knows exactly how you're feeling. However, it does not *absolve* the pain right now, it simply gives you something to cling to when the waves of grief come crashing down on you, sometimes without warning. It's a light to hold on to when life feels dark."

The reason I tell you all of this is because about a week after I had Gabriel (it just doesn't feel right to say "after my miscarriage", even though that's what it was...) I came across this song that expresses so perfectly my own feelings.  It really helped me get through some of those really hard days and let me know it was ok to just cry.

"Just Let Me Cry"

by: Hilary Weeks

(In case the imbedded video doesn't work- like on my iPad- click here to go to the video on YouTube! :oP )

Here are the lyrics:

I believe that everything happens for a reason

We’re not just tossed by the wind and left in the hands of fate
*But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected*
And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.

And when I feel the heartache begin to pull me under
I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground
Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger
And there’s nothing I can do but let it out

So just let me cry
I know it’s hard to see
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today
So just let me cry
‘Til every tear has fallen
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why
Just let me cry

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break
But I know he knows exactly how I’m feeling
And I know in time he’ll take the pain away

But for now just let me cry
I know it’s hard to see
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today
So just let me cry
‘Til every tear has fallen
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why
Just let me cry

I have felt joy, the kind that makes my heart want to sing
And so my tears are not a surrender, I’ll feel that way again
But for now, for this moment

Just let me cry
I know it’s hard to see
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today
Just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why
Just let me cry

I believe that everything happens for a reason
----------------------------------


So.  That was kind of a long way to get to my point, but you'll notice I marked the third line of the song... "Sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected"... and thus the name of my blog.  This is definitely what I would call an "unexpected storm" in my life.  Storms come, and they go.  Some just bring rain, others bring more than that and even after clean-up and rebuilding leave lasting effects.  Even so, life must go on and rainbows always come after the rain.