Day 11: Triggers #captureyourgrief

EMOTIONAL TRIGGERS-

I almost switched today's topic out for another because the things that trigger my emotions are often completely unpredictable still!  There are days when almost everything set me off, and other days when I can handle it all with a smile.  I haven't figured out how to predict, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to!  There are things that are always triggers, it's just a matter of how strongly I react on any given moment.  Sometimes it's little random things that set me off like a cute shirt I'd pinned on Pinterest that I was planning on making for Halloween.  There are certain songs that always bring me to tears, but sometimes even a random song on the radio reminds me of Gabriel and sets me off without warning.  Pregnant ladies and newborns don't generally bother me like you may expect with one exception.  I have a very dear friend who is due within days of Gabriel's due date and that is still really hard for me to face.  (If she's reading this she'll know I'm referring to her and I hope that she understands it's not her, just the situation!)  I'm not angry or bitter at all, it's just a hard situation.  Sometimes looking through my pictures of Gabriel is a trigger, but sometimes it's a great comfort!  Coming across cute maternity clothes at the store is especially difficult at times.  I was right at the stage in pregnancy where I was really enjoying being pregnant, so reminders of pregnancy are often  harder for me right now than baby things.  I'm sure that will evolve as time passes.  Oh! I almost forgot to mention the lab results I got back this week.  Finding out I have a gene mutation that likely cost my baby's life has been hard on me!  (You can read more about that here) I know it's not my fault, but it's impossible not to wonder if I could have prevented this.  The biggest trigger of all lately, though, has been quiet time, especially lying in bed at night!  Being left to my own thoughts is tricky these days... There are many, many more, but it's so unpredictable I couldn't even begin to guess at some of them!  However, like I said, a lot of times I'm perfectly ok with the things I've mentioned!  Funny thing, grief is!

Day 7: Me Now #captureyourgrief

Me-

Oooooohhhhh... Another hard one!  The topic is actually "You now" and it said "Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?"  How do I answer this?!?  It's only been less than 2 months... Well, the best way to describe me now is that most of the time I'm ok, just sometimes I'm not.  For it only to have only been a little over 7 weeks I think I'm doing alright!  I still have my moments.  The first week or two were pretty rough.  I cried a LOT.  Since then, those moments seem to be getting fewer and farther between, but they're still there.  For example, I lay in my bed and cried last night.  DH happened to still be awake and was a little surprised.  It wasn't the first time I'd lay there crying, but I guess it was the first time he was still awake.  He kept asking me what happened and what was wrong, but there really wasn't anything in particular.  It's those quiet moments when my mind starts reeling that really present a problem for me.  It's aggravating to randomly feel like crying. It sucks to think about what I've lost.  It's frustrating knowing that people are starting to forget what I've been through.  But like I said, these moments don't happen quite as frequently now.  I don't necessarily hide my grief, but it has gotten easier and easier "put on" my happy face and push aside my sorrow when I need to.  It's a delicate balance, but the scales are usually tipped toward 'happy' ;)

The Reunion

The past few days have been hard.  Not sure why, but they have.  I don't think anything's been different!  Well, whatever... It is what it is!  I found this poem yesterday (I know, right? Another poem?! Well, what can I say... there are a bunch of 'em out there!) Anyway, I really like it.  Since there's no credited author I took some liberty and changed a few of the words.

The Reunion

Since Heaven has become your home

I sometimes feel I'm so alone,

And though I know we're not far apart

You hold a sliver of my heart.

I never knew how much I'd grieve

When it was time for you to leave

Or just how much my heart would ache

From that small fragment you would take!

God lets this tender hole remain

Reminding me well meet again,

And when we do my pain will cease

For He'll restore that missing piece!

He'll turn to joy my every tear

The day I hold you oh, so near!

Then together, forever we will stay

Beginning on that Reunion Day!

~Unknown

I can't even begin to tell you how much hope I have looking forward to that day when I get to see my baby again!!
Until then... XOXO to you, my sweet Gabriel!

Why are you crying, Mommy?

Today I was sitting there reading an article online about fathers & miscarriage and something in it hit a chord with me, and the tears started flowing (yet again...). My 6 yr old stopped in his tracks and asked me why I was crying.  I told him I read something that made me sad, and left it at that.  It's hard to explain to kids why you're sad. While I don't try to hide my grief from them, I don't want them to worry, either.  I'm not always sad... Promise! Most of the time when they ask questions, we're able to talk openly about what happened to the baby without any problem.  But other times I can't even think about him/it without tearing up!  Sometimes the hurt is buried beneath the hustle and bustle of daily life, sometimes it subsides enough to push it aside and smile and laugh with my kids and friends, but sometimes, no matter how hard I try, the grief  lurks just below the surface waiting for something, ANYthing to trigger the waterworks.  How can you explain to a child that grief comes and goes, but doesn't really disappear?  I would say that one day they'll understand, but as a mom, my hope would be that they never do!

Good days bring mixed emotions...

Today was a good day!  A little too good... :/  I feel like should be glad to have such a great day, but instead I find myself feeling guilty!  I'm torn between being grateful to be coping so much better than I thought I would, and trying desperately not to forget him!  It feels wrong to go on with life as usual...  But what else can you do?  I'm not really one to dwell on things too much, but this is one thing that I kind of wish I could.  How do you remember someone with whom you have no memories?  How do you keep someone with you that wasn't here long enough to even know?  It's really an awkward place to be... stuck between trying to remember what was never there and trying not to forget what is!  I realize that doesn't really make a lot of sense, and I'm pretty sure it never will...