Day 15: Wave of Light #captureyourgrief

Wave of light-

Not a lot to say today...  It's national Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day so we were to light a candle at 7:00 p.m. and leave it burning for 1 hour to keep a wave of light going around the world for all the angel babies lost to us here on Earth.  My candle burned bright for my very own angel.

Day 8: Color #captureyourgrief

Color-

Oops! Got my daily post written and fell asleep without posting it!  Ummmm... What color would I say represents Gabriel?  I guess that would probably be blue.  Sky blue...and white.  I wouldn't say I have a particular liking to blue, but it just seems to fit since he's forever my baby boy. More than just the color blue, though, I've been especially drawn to the blue sky.  I've found myself noticing and taking pictures of the sky more often than before.  Perhaps in hopes that he's up there watching over me, I don't know.  White reminds me of purity. Of Angels.  Blue & white both make me think of eternity, of the heavens. Blue is a soft, calm, peaceful color, and white is simple and pure and bright.  So, blue & white it is. :)

Day 7: Me Now #captureyourgrief

Me-

Oooooohhhhh... Another hard one!  The topic is actually "You now" and it said "Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?"  How do I answer this?!?  It's only been less than 2 months... Well, the best way to describe me now is that most of the time I'm ok, just sometimes I'm not.  For it only to have only been a little over 7 weeks I think I'm doing alright!  I still have my moments.  The first week or two were pretty rough.  I cried a LOT.  Since then, those moments seem to be getting fewer and farther between, but they're still there.  For example, I lay in my bed and cried last night.  DH happened to still be awake and was a little surprised.  It wasn't the first time I'd lay there crying, but I guess it was the first time he was still awake.  He kept asking me what happened and what was wrong, but there really wasn't anything in particular.  It's those quiet moments when my mind starts reeling that really present a problem for me.  It's aggravating to randomly feel like crying. It sucks to think about what I've lost.  It's frustrating knowing that people are starting to forget what I've been through.  But like I said, these moments don't happen quite as frequently now.  I don't necessarily hide my grief, but it has gotten easier and easier "put on" my happy face and push aside my sorrow when I need to.  It's a delicate balance, but the scales are usually tipped toward 'happy' ;)

Day 6: Ritual #captureyourgrief

RITUAL-

Today's topic for our daily photo is a ritual that helps you get through the day.  I don't have any specific rituals, per say, but the thing that has helped me the most to get through day to day is gratitude.  As trite and holier-than-thou as that may sound, looking for things to be thankful for is what has helped me the most.  Finding the silver lining (so to speak), counting my blessings!  By doing this on particularly bad days I've been able to stay positive enough to keep from sinking too low in my grief.  However, there really have been so many things to be thankful for (which I touched on here).  I really do believe this statement... There is always, always, ALWAYS something to be grateful for!

Day 5: Memory #captureyourgrief

MEMORY-

I think what really stands out in my mind when I think back on my short time with Gabriel is the day I found out I was pregnant. It was the Thursday before Mother's Day.  I had taken a test the Friday before and the week before that, and they had both been negative.  At that point, I was almost 7 weeks out from my last period.  I'd developed hypertension during my last pregnancy (4 years ago) and along with that had had pretty irregular cycles, so I was pretty convinced that I needed to have some hormonal tests run to see if I had developed some sort of imbalance.  However, I decided to try once more (just in case) before I went and made a fool of myself.  Well, you could imagine my surprise when that second blue line appeared almost immediately!  It was a pretty awesome Mother's Day treat, to say the least. :)

Day 2: Identity #captureyourgrief

IDENTITY-

This is a hard one!  Who is/was Gabriel is a hard question to answer, let alone photograph!  I guess I'll start by trying to define who Gabriel is/was... He's a brother, a son, a nephew, a grandson.  Gabriel is a Child of God!  Mostly, though, he is my baby boy and I love him and miss him immensely!  He wouldn't even have been born yet, but he's been gone for 7 weeks already.  We really don't know much about Gabriel... I often wonder what he would have looked like full term. What color would his eyes have been?  Would he have had straight hair like his big sister and oldest brother, or curly hair like his younger big brother?  Would he have been taller, shorter, more animated or subdued?  So many questions we have to wait to find out the answers to!!

Because he was born before 20 weeks, there was no birth or death certificate for Gabriel, but we felt it was important to name him anyway.  Gabriel, as most of you know, is one of the only angels named in the Bible.  We found this fitting.  His name means "God is my strength."  We thought that was appropriate because this has been such a difficult experience for us, and I know that whatever strength I have received to endure and keep going has, indeed, come from my Heavenly Father.  I was going to simply post a picture of the 'Birth Certificate' that I created for Gabriel, but I came across this "kanji name meaning" image and thought it was applicable.

Summer-  My pregnancy with Gabriel was May-August. His whole life here was the summer of 2013.
Warrior-  I feel like in a way I have become a warrior, like so many other BLM's (baby loss moms), fighting the injustice of our lost babies' lives barely begun and so easily forgotten.
Reason-  I truly do believe there's a reason for everything that happens to us in this life!
Blessing-  Gabriel was, without a doubt, a huge blessing in my life. Of course I wish things had turned out differently, but I've learned a lot about myself and my faith through this experience that I don't think I would have otherwise.
Flow-  Joy & sorrow, gratitude & heartbreak, comfort & pain... They all flow together as part of life.  You can't have the good without the bad!

Day 1: Sunrise #captureyourgrief

SUNRISE~

I couldn't get a good picture of the sunrise due to all the trees by our house, so I found one I like taken at our very own Pensacola Beach and added the quote...

"Blessed are they that mourn..."

Matthew 5:4 says "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.".  To be completely truthful I've always thought that was an odd sentiment.  Mourning is a part of life, but  to say that those who mourn are "blessed"?  Why would Christ say that??  Well, through losing Gabriel I've found a whole new meaning in this brief scripture! It's not necessarily in the mourning that we are blessed, but in the uniquely specific comfort that we are privy to because of the mourning!  By putting it in writing, it seems simple, but it just never clicked.  I have never felt such profound comfort any other time in my life.  It doesn't come automatically... We have to seek it, but it's there!  Like I said, pretty obvious, right?  "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted!"

"In His Constant Care" by Simon Dewey

{I absolutely LOVE this painting!}

Good days bring mixed emotions...

Today was a good day!  A little too good... :/  I feel like should be glad to have such a great day, but instead I find myself feeling guilty!  I'm torn between being grateful to be coping so much better than I thought I would, and trying desperately not to forget him!  It feels wrong to go on with life as usual...  But what else can you do?  I'm not really one to dwell on things too much, but this is one thing that I kind of wish I could.  How do you remember someone with whom you have no memories?  How do you keep someone with you that wasn't here long enough to even know?  It's really an awkward place to be... stuck between trying to remember what was never there and trying not to forget what is!  I realize that doesn't really make a lot of sense, and I'm pretty sure it never will... 

Developing an attitude of GRATITUDE

I told you things would be a little out of order for a while, and this is a good example. It seems logical that the first/ next order of business should be giving you the rundown of the circumstances surrounding my miscarriage and telling you the whole story, but I just don't feel like doing that yet... Instead I want to share something that's really helped me lately, and that's developing an attitude of gratitude. ;)  If anyone were to have told me beforehand what was about to happen, and told me to look for things to be thankful for I would probably have told them they were insane.  After all, how could you possibly find things to be grateful in a situation like this?!?  Well, I can't really answer *how*, but I am here to tell you that it is possible!  I have seen the Tender Mercies of the Lord more during this trial than in any other time of my life, so I feel like it would be terribly prideful of me not to recognize His handiwork.  I've learned that the Lord allows sorrow and tragedy in our lives, but He has shown me with no uncertainty that these tragedies are not necessarily His doing, and that He will always come to our aid if we can/ will humble ourselves enough to see it.  I know some of these may seem trivial, but here is a list (albeit incomplete) of the many things I have to be thankful for during this difficult time:

~My Hubby- who's been pretty great through all of this!
~My other three children
~The Gospel
~Temples and the ordinances & peace you can find nowhere else
~My knowledge that families can be together forever
~The hope that I'll see Gabriel again someday
~Prayer
~Websites w/ pics & stories of miscarriage that I stumbled upon long before there was a problem
~Intuition (or whatever you want to call it!) so the Dr.'s news wasn't a complete shock
~That we were able to find out he was a boy the week prior
~A kind Doctor
~An empty waiting room when I left the Dr.'s office
~Priesthood blessings
~The rainbow we saw on our way to the hospital
~My mom for being willing and able to keep my kinds for 2 1/2 days without warning
~Modern technology that allowed me to share my unfortunate news once (instead of over and over!)
       and allowed me immediate access to kind, supportive words from friends & family
~Indescribably AMAZING nurses!
~The compassionate way the hospital dealt with us
~Being able to deliver naturally & avoid surgery
~Having the opportunity to see and hold my baby
~Finding some incredible songs that express my feelings so perfectly
~Friends who have been willing to share their own experiences with me
~Not having to deal with much of the insensitivity you hear about
~The most uncomplicated physical recovery I could've asked for
~A church community that brought dinners to us
~A package from my long-time bestie on a particularly rough day
~Wonderful supportive friends and family
~Having pictures and hand/footprints to remember him

The list could go on...  So many things to be thankful for!

Hi, my name is Jamie, and I lost a baby to miscarriage...

I'm going to start by saying, I'm not much of a blogger... But I'm not much of a journal-er either and I think the vast majority of my Facebook friends have grown tired of me using FB as my outlet ;).  However, I've found sharing my thoughts and feelings freely and openly much more comforting than I ever expected!  I found a quote that says "A heartbreak isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding.  Sometimes it's as quiet as a feather falling and the most painful part is that nobody hears it but you."  I can't even tell you how huge a relief it is to know there are others who "heard" your heart break.  So... Here I am.

I have recently experienced something that way too many other women have before, and will in the future.  A miscarriage.  In my case his heart stopped at 17 1/2 weeks, and he was born 3-4 days later at what would have been 18 weeks.  Mine was what would be classified as a "late-term miscarriage" because it was after 13 weeks, but before 20 (which would have then been considered a "stillbirth").  I intend for this to be a place for me to let out the things in my mind and heart to help me continue on with my life, which, of course, is inevitable ;).  Much of what I will post (especially in the beginning) is stuff I've already written elsewhere, but it had nowhere to go, so it may be slightly out of order for a while.  Bear with me, I'm new at this :)

(For those of you who don't know, this is my own photograph.

It's one of my favorites ;) )