Day 11: Triggers #captureyourgrief

EMOTIONAL TRIGGERS-

I almost switched today's topic out for another because the things that trigger my emotions are often completely unpredictable still!  There are days when almost everything set me off, and other days when I can handle it all with a smile.  I haven't figured out how to predict, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to!  There are things that are always triggers, it's just a matter of how strongly I react on any given moment.  Sometimes it's little random things that set me off like a cute shirt I'd pinned on Pinterest that I was planning on making for Halloween.  There are certain songs that always bring me to tears, but sometimes even a random song on the radio reminds me of Gabriel and sets me off without warning.  Pregnant ladies and newborns don't generally bother me like you may expect with one exception.  I have a very dear friend who is due within days of Gabriel's due date and that is still really hard for me to face.  (If she's reading this she'll know I'm referring to her and I hope that she understands it's not her, just the situation!)  I'm not angry or bitter at all, it's just a hard situation.  Sometimes looking through my pictures of Gabriel is a trigger, but sometimes it's a great comfort!  Coming across cute maternity clothes at the store is especially difficult at times.  I was right at the stage in pregnancy where I was really enjoying being pregnant, so reminders of pregnancy are often  harder for me right now than baby things.  I'm sure that will evolve as time passes.  Oh! I almost forgot to mention the lab results I got back this week.  Finding out I have a gene mutation that likely cost my baby's life has been hard on me!  (You can read more about that here) I know it's not my fault, but it's impossible not to wonder if I could have prevented this.  The biggest trigger of all lately, though, has been quiet time, especially lying in bed at night!  Being left to my own thoughts is tricky these days... There are many, many more, but it's so unpredictable I couldn't even begin to guess at some of them!  However, like I said, a lot of times I'm perfectly ok with the things I've mentioned!  Funny thing, grief is!

Day 10: Beliefs #captureyourgrief

BELIEFS-

Oh my! I don't think one post & picture could ever be enough to cover my beliefs!  I will say that this is an important one for me, as I have relied heavily on my faith and beliefs through this period!  I can't really say why, but this experience hasn't made me question my faith, if anything it has strengthened it.  There's a lot to say on this subject, but I'm going to try to keep this fairly succinct...

I believe that we existed as spirits before this life, and that a large part of why we were sent here to Earth is to recieve a physical body, and to learn the lessons necessary to return home.  I believe some spirits have been faithful enough that they need only to come long enough to recieve their body and can return without any further trial.  I've heard some say that there can't possibly be a reason for one's child to be taken from them, but I believe that everything happens for a reason.  We may or may not ever know why things happen the way they do, but I do NOT believe that we're left to be tossed in the wind or left in the hands of fate.  I believe in a kind, loving, omnipotent Father in Heaven.  I believe that He allows trials and hard times to happen to us to teach us lessons we need to learn and proves our faithfulness, the "refiner's fire", but I don't believe God causes these trials to come upon us to punish us, nor wishes them upon us.  I think He hurts and grieves right alongside us in times of sorrow.  I know from my own experiences that He will always be there to comfort us if we reach out to Him.  I believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior and has provided us a way to return to Him again! I believe there is life after death and that families can be together forever!  I believe that we can speak to our Father in Heaven through prayer and that He will answer!  Do I know for certain I will see Gabriel again?  If I were to be completely honest I would have to say no, as miscarriage is a "gray area"- BUT I have hope that I will because families are forever!  More than anything else, I know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and a Savior who understands my heartache!  I know He will never leave me comfortless!  President Thomas S. Monson (the President of our church and our Prophet) said in a recent address "Only the Master knows the depths of our trials, our pain, and our suffering. He alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity. He alone touches our tortured souls with His comforting words: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." 

(Angel Moroni atop the LDS Temple in Atlanta, GA)

Day 9: Music #captureyourgrief

MUSIC-

Today I'm supposed to chose a song / music that reminds me of Gabriel.  There are several songs that I've really grown to love, but two that stand out in my mind.  The funny thing is, I don't think they could be any more different!  The first one is "He'll Carry You" by Hilary Weeks.  It more relates to my whole experience than Gabriel specifically, but I really, REALLY love it.

The other is "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne.  I know, right?  A strange mashup for sure! What can I say, I have eclectic taste in music ;)  I'm not sure how this song was intended, but it really fits.

Day 7: Me Now #captureyourgrief

Me-

Oooooohhhhh... Another hard one!  The topic is actually "You now" and it said "Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?"  How do I answer this?!?  It's only been less than 2 months... Well, the best way to describe me now is that most of the time I'm ok, just sometimes I'm not.  For it only to have only been a little over 7 weeks I think I'm doing alright!  I still have my moments.  The first week or two were pretty rough.  I cried a LOT.  Since then, those moments seem to be getting fewer and farther between, but they're still there.  For example, I lay in my bed and cried last night.  DH happened to still be awake and was a little surprised.  It wasn't the first time I'd lay there crying, but I guess it was the first time he was still awake.  He kept asking me what happened and what was wrong, but there really wasn't anything in particular.  It's those quiet moments when my mind starts reeling that really present a problem for me.  It's aggravating to randomly feel like crying. It sucks to think about what I've lost.  It's frustrating knowing that people are starting to forget what I've been through.  But like I said, these moments don't happen quite as frequently now.  I don't necessarily hide my grief, but it has gotten easier and easier "put on" my happy face and push aside my sorrow when I need to.  It's a delicate balance, but the scales are usually tipped toward 'happy' ;)

Day 4: Legacy #captureyourgrief

Legacy-

I started by asking myself what, exactly, is a legacy?  So, I looked around online and found this:

"Often when you think about legacy, it’s something that is left behind after a person has passed... The requirements of a legacy are that you embrace your uniqueness...so that your gift will be to all and...will have a life beyond that of you, its creator, outliving and outlasting your time on earth."

Hmmmmm...  But how can someone who's life had barely begun possibly leave a legacy??  Well, I think the best way to define Gabriel's legacy is to go the route of how, in his very short time with us, he changed my life.  For starters, I cry more.  I'm not sure how long that will last, but I suspect it's just a new personality trait.  I now live in a new reality where life is a little more fragile and a piece of me is missing.  There are little reminders of what I lost everywhere, and I wear my heart on my sleeve!  Now that the sad stuff has been said, there is a lot of good that Gabriel left behind, too!  From this experience I have learned to more fully trust in the Lord and His plan for me!  I am more convinced than ever that He will not allow more hardship than I can handle.  I also know that, if we will allow it, He will be right there by our side in every step of our trials.  I know now not to take for granted that things will go as they should, because you never know!  What happened with Gabriel has inspired me to get healthier, to try a little harder in everything I do, and to love the ones I love just a little more!  Hopefully the good stuff lasts as long as the sad. ;)

P.S.  I really hope to be able to make some sort of memory box, keepsake, blankets... I don't know, something...to donate to local hospitals or other bereaved parents, I just haven't gotten that far yet ;). One day...

Day 3: Myth #captureyourgrief

MYTH-

So today we're supposed to photograph a myth about grief, so here it is:

At least.... That's what I believe...

The Reunion

The past few days have been hard.  Not sure why, but they have.  I don't think anything's been different!  Well, whatever... It is what it is!  I found this poem yesterday (I know, right? Another poem?! Well, what can I say... there are a bunch of 'em out there!) Anyway, I really like it.  Since there's no credited author I took some liberty and changed a few of the words.

The Reunion

Since Heaven has become your home

I sometimes feel I'm so alone,

And though I know we're not far apart

You hold a sliver of my heart.

I never knew how much I'd grieve

When it was time for you to leave

Or just how much my heart would ache

From that small fragment you would take!

God lets this tender hole remain

Reminding me well meet again,

And when we do my pain will cease

For He'll restore that missing piece!

He'll turn to joy my every tear

The day I hold you oh, so near!

Then together, forever we will stay

Beginning on that Reunion Day!

~Unknown

I can't even begin to tell you how much hope I have looking forward to that day when I get to see my baby again!!
Until then... XOXO to you, my sweet Gabriel!

Why are you crying, Mommy?

Today I was sitting there reading an article online about fathers & miscarriage and something in it hit a chord with me, and the tears started flowing (yet again...). My 6 yr old stopped in his tracks and asked me why I was crying.  I told him I read something that made me sad, and left it at that.  It's hard to explain to kids why you're sad. While I don't try to hide my grief from them, I don't want them to worry, either.  I'm not always sad... Promise! Most of the time when they ask questions, we're able to talk openly about what happened to the baby without any problem.  But other times I can't even think about him/it without tearing up!  Sometimes the hurt is buried beneath the hustle and bustle of daily life, sometimes it subsides enough to push it aside and smile and laugh with my kids and friends, but sometimes, no matter how hard I try, the grief  lurks just below the surface waiting for something, ANYthing to trigger the waterworks.  How can you explain to a child that grief comes and goes, but doesn't really disappear?  I would say that one day they'll understand, but as a mom, my hope would be that they never do!

So... What happened?!

Well, tomorrow marks 4 weeks since Gabriel's birth.  Coincidentally, it's also my 29th birthday.  Well, it is what it is and so I think I'll finally get around to sharing my story with you to commemorate the occasion...

I'd had a rather uneventful pregnancy up to my 16 week appt (which was actually closer to 17 weeks) at which point my bp was a little high.  Not scary-high, just borderline.  We know his heart was still beating at that point, because it was easy to find with the doppler & I had an ultrasound to find out his sex (boy! ;))  The only other issue I'd had was my Vitamin D levels were on the low side (also not a huge concern)  I'm almost certain I was 17 weeks and either 3 or 4 days when his heart stopped because that's when I felt like something was wrong. Monday I felt like something was a little off.  My husband was out of town, so I called to tell him my concerns, and he reassured me best he could.  I hadn't felt any movement for a while, but it was still pretty early, so that wasn't a huge red flag.  Tuesday morning I still felt like something was strange, so I pulled out my home doppler and tried to find his hb and couldn't!  I had no unusual symptoms to speak of- no cramping, no bleeding, no anything. As a matter of fact, if anything, I had fewer symptoms than usual!  I tried again later, and again the next morning.  Still nothing.  I was trying not to panic (especially since I knew it wouldn't have done any good...)  Anyway, I had an appointment first the next morning (Thursday) to have my bp checked.  That's when it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat.  I did add a page with my whole story, so if you would like to read it in it's entirety you can go here (please be aware that it is fairly detailed and includes pictures of Gabriel).

Here is what I posted on FB that day:

"This may be too much information for some of you, but I feel like a one time explanation would be preferable over having to tell everyone individually. So, here goes... I went in for a routine bp check this morning and discovered the baby had no heartbeat. I am just over 17 weeks [I was actually right at 18 weeks... not sure what I was thinking...]  I can't explain it exactly, but I already knew. As soon as I suspected a problem I prayed for two things. 1) If this was His will that I would be allowed sufficient warning so I wouldn't be surprised and 2) That I would have the chance to get things taken care of w/out surgery. As always, I am consistently reminded of the tender mercies of the Lord. Last night I received a blessing that was exactly what I need to hear. Not what I wanted, but what I needed. I cried most of the night because I *knew*. Then at the Dr. (although I did have to wait a crazy long time) everyone was very gentle and sweet and there was nobody in the waiting room when I left, which was strangely comforting. We are currently at the hospital with the nicest possible nurse (who will be here all night) in the process of being induced so I can avoid a D&E. And lastly, a miscarriage has always been top on my list of fears. I truly feel that a miscarriage at any point in my life prior to now would have completely crippled me, but at this point in my life I feel like it is (at very least) manageable. Graig and I are both holding up alright, but prayers would be greatly appreciated."

This is my post from later that day:

"Thought I'd better give y'all a quick update. We're still at the hospital, but all done and just waiting for discharge. Gabriel Travis Daniels was born at 2:08 weighing 3.9 oz and measuring 7" long. It's been a rough day to say the least, but I'm thankful for all the little things that made it just a tad bit easier. Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and prayers."

So, what happened??  Honestly, we don't know.  They're were no signs of an infection, no signs of a cord accident, and no obvious signs of any deformities.  They did do some genetic tests, but we won't know the results for a little while, yet.  I think I would be more surprised if thy did find something than if they didn't.  I have decided that I am at peace with the understanding that this was the plan for us at this time.   Don't get me wrong... there will always be a piece missing from my heart, but I have chosen to be grateful that this has been as gentle an experience as it could've been.  Well, considering the circumstances...

"Blessed are they that mourn..."

Matthew 5:4 says "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.".  To be completely truthful I've always thought that was an odd sentiment.  Mourning is a part of life, but  to say that those who mourn are "blessed"?  Why would Christ say that??  Well, through losing Gabriel I've found a whole new meaning in this brief scripture! It's not necessarily in the mourning that we are blessed, but in the uniquely specific comfort that we are privy to because of the mourning!  By putting it in writing, it seems simple, but it just never clicked.  I have never felt such profound comfort any other time in my life.  It doesn't come automatically... We have to seek it, but it's there!  Like I said, pretty obvious, right?  "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted!"

"In His Constant Care" by Simon Dewey

{I absolutely LOVE this painting!}

"O death, where is thy sting?"

Today marks 1 year since the car accident that took my brother-in-law's life.  He was only 24. I know this doesn't directly relate to my story and what this blog is about, but due to my recent experience it got me thinking a lot about death in general today.  Death is an unfortunate part of life, you cannot have one without the other.  I know, I know... You're all probably thinking "Thanks, a lot, Captain Obvious!"  Well, there's really not much I can say that hasn't already been said about death, but that's what's been on my mind.  You really never know how long you'll have on this earth, or how long you'll have with the ones you love! One of my favorite scriptures about death is found in 1 Corinthians 15:55 "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?"  Simple, yet profound!  We all have had or will have to face death many different ways and times in our lives, but through the Atonement of Christ the sting of death can be overcome!  What an incredible thought!

Something else that I've been thinking a lot about lately is how interesting it is that we all cope so differently with the grief associated with death!  The questions crossed my mind "Do we not all have  similar feelings of grief?" "Do some people experience grief with more intensity?" "Why do some people still have a hard time moving on after years, while others are able to get back to life after a few weeks?"  I've determined that my opinion (you'll find I have lots of those and am not terribly shy about sharing them. LOL!) is that we do all have similar feelings of grief after a loss of any kind, but that the severity and duration vary due to our personal religious or philosophical beliefs and coping abilities.  While I don't think we ever really "get over" the loss of a loved one, I do think we can get over the grief (perhaps w/ some help).  We're each unique in how we handle things, so I think it takes some experimentation to find things that help each individual. I'm no expert, but my advice?  Listen to your heart!  Do what helps you (as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else), seek out people who are supportive and steer clear of those who aren't.  Try different things.  Oftentimes the things we find helpful aren't things you ever would have predicted.  I know that's been very true for me!  And one last thing... Be kind. Be sensitive!  You just never know what others may be going through, or how they may be feeling, which is why we should try never to judge.  But, you know... those are just my thoughts... ;)

Unexpected Storm...

Yes, I realize I just posted earlier today, but I have some catching up to do ;)  I thought it would be a good idea to explain the title of my blog: "Unexpected Storm".  While it may seem somewhat self-explanitory, theres a little more to it than meets the eye.  I do want to say that over all I feel like I've been able to cope pretty well (and I take no credit for that, but that's for another post...).  I've been able to recognize many tender mercies by my Heavenly Father from the very begining of all of this that lessened the blow a bit (so to speak), but nothing could have prepared me for the depth of sorrow that I would feel.  There have been a lot of days especially in the first week or two that were just plain HARD!  The grief I experienced (as too many mother's before me can testify) was overwhelming and profound.  The first morning after I had my sweet angel I woke up sobbbing and that has never happened to me before!  It really did take me by surprise.  This is how I described it to my friends & family on facebook on a particularly difficult day: "There is very little (if anything) anyone can say or do to make things 'better'  when your heart is hurting. The days are getting better and easier overall, but the pain comes and goes with the tiniest provocation, and all you can do is allow it, and wait for it to pass. When you experience this kind of heartache (for whatever reason) it is beyond reassuring to know the Lord cares and knows exactly how you're feeling. However, it does not *absolve* the pain right now, it simply gives you something to cling to when the waves of grief come crashing down on you, sometimes without warning. It's a light to hold on to when life feels dark."

The reason I tell you all of this is because about a week after I had Gabriel (it just doesn't feel right to say "after my miscarriage", even though that's what it was...) I came across this song that expresses so perfectly my own feelings.  It really helped me get through some of those really hard days and let me know it was ok to just cry.

"Just Let Me Cry"

by: Hilary Weeks

(In case the imbedded video doesn't work- like on my iPad- click here to go to the video on YouTube! :oP )

Here are the lyrics:

I believe that everything happens for a reason

We’re not just tossed by the wind and left in the hands of fate
*But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected*
And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.

And when I feel the heartache begin to pull me under
I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground
Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger
And there’s nothing I can do but let it out

So just let me cry
I know it’s hard to see
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today
So just let me cry
‘Til every tear has fallen
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why
Just let me cry

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break
But I know he knows exactly how I’m feeling
And I know in time he’ll take the pain away

But for now just let me cry
I know it’s hard to see
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today
So just let me cry
‘Til every tear has fallen
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why
Just let me cry

I have felt joy, the kind that makes my heart want to sing
And so my tears are not a surrender, I’ll feel that way again
But for now, for this moment

Just let me cry
I know it’s hard to see
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today
Just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why
Just let me cry

I believe that everything happens for a reason
----------------------------------


So.  That was kind of a long way to get to my point, but you'll notice I marked the third line of the song... "Sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected"... and thus the name of my blog.  This is definitely what I would call an "unexpected storm" in my life.  Storms come, and they go.  Some just bring rain, others bring more than that and even after clean-up and rebuilding leave lasting effects.  Even so, life must go on and rainbows always come after the rain.

Hi, my name is Jamie, and I lost a baby to miscarriage...

I'm going to start by saying, I'm not much of a blogger... But I'm not much of a journal-er either and I think the vast majority of my Facebook friends have grown tired of me using FB as my outlet ;).  However, I've found sharing my thoughts and feelings freely and openly much more comforting than I ever expected!  I found a quote that says "A heartbreak isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding.  Sometimes it's as quiet as a feather falling and the most painful part is that nobody hears it but you."  I can't even tell you how huge a relief it is to know there are others who "heard" your heart break.  So... Here I am.

I have recently experienced something that way too many other women have before, and will in the future.  A miscarriage.  In my case his heart stopped at 17 1/2 weeks, and he was born 3-4 days later at what would have been 18 weeks.  Mine was what would be classified as a "late-term miscarriage" because it was after 13 weeks, but before 20 (which would have then been considered a "stillbirth").  I intend for this to be a place for me to let out the things in my mind and heart to help me continue on with my life, which, of course, is inevitable ;).  Much of what I will post (especially in the beginning) is stuff I've already written elsewhere, but it had nowhere to go, so it may be slightly out of order for a while.  Bear with me, I'm new at this :)

(For those of you who don't know, this is my own photograph.

It's one of my favorites ;) )