Day 11: Triggers #captureyourgrief

EMOTIONAL TRIGGERS-

I almost switched today's topic out for another because the things that trigger my emotions are often completely unpredictable still!  There are days when almost everything set me off, and other days when I can handle it all with a smile.  I haven't figured out how to predict, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to!  There are things that are always triggers, it's just a matter of how strongly I react on any given moment.  Sometimes it's little random things that set me off like a cute shirt I'd pinned on Pinterest that I was planning on making for Halloween.  There are certain songs that always bring me to tears, but sometimes even a random song on the radio reminds me of Gabriel and sets me off without warning.  Pregnant ladies and newborns don't generally bother me like you may expect with one exception.  I have a very dear friend who is due within days of Gabriel's due date and that is still really hard for me to face.  (If she's reading this she'll know I'm referring to her and I hope that she understands it's not her, just the situation!)  I'm not angry or bitter at all, it's just a hard situation.  Sometimes looking through my pictures of Gabriel is a trigger, but sometimes it's a great comfort!  Coming across cute maternity clothes at the store is especially difficult at times.  I was right at the stage in pregnancy where I was really enjoying being pregnant, so reminders of pregnancy are often  harder for me right now than baby things.  I'm sure that will evolve as time passes.  Oh! I almost forgot to mention the lab results I got back this week.  Finding out I have a gene mutation that likely cost my baby's life has been hard on me!  (You can read more about that here) I know it's not my fault, but it's impossible not to wonder if I could have prevented this.  The biggest trigger of all lately, though, has been quiet time, especially lying in bed at night!  Being left to my own thoughts is tricky these days... There are many, many more, but it's so unpredictable I couldn't even begin to guess at some of them!  However, like I said, a lot of times I'm perfectly ok with the things I've mentioned!  Funny thing, grief is!

Day 7: Me Now #captureyourgrief

Me-

Oooooohhhhh... Another hard one!  The topic is actually "You now" and it said "Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?"  How do I answer this?!?  It's only been less than 2 months... Well, the best way to describe me now is that most of the time I'm ok, just sometimes I'm not.  For it only to have only been a little over 7 weeks I think I'm doing alright!  I still have my moments.  The first week or two were pretty rough.  I cried a LOT.  Since then, those moments seem to be getting fewer and farther between, but they're still there.  For example, I lay in my bed and cried last night.  DH happened to still be awake and was a little surprised.  It wasn't the first time I'd lay there crying, but I guess it was the first time he was still awake.  He kept asking me what happened and what was wrong, but there really wasn't anything in particular.  It's those quiet moments when my mind starts reeling that really present a problem for me.  It's aggravating to randomly feel like crying. It sucks to think about what I've lost.  It's frustrating knowing that people are starting to forget what I've been through.  But like I said, these moments don't happen quite as frequently now.  I don't necessarily hide my grief, but it has gotten easier and easier "put on" my happy face and push aside my sorrow when I need to.  It's a delicate balance, but the scales are usually tipped toward 'happy' ;)

Remembering Gabriel

Today has been 3 weeks and I can honestly say I'm doing alright. :)  It was touch-and-go there for a while!  I still have my 'moments' every now and then, but overall I really do think I'm gonna be ok...  To be completely honest, though, I'm good with the idea of having hard moments now and again if it means I can remember my angel baby.  I've decided that you don't ever completely heal from something like this (or any other major loss).  It's not something you "move on" from or "get over".  While time does have a way of making the pain more bearable, and the Atonement has incredible healing powers, I think an experience like this is largely something you have to internalize and incorporate into who you are.  It becomes a part of you.  It's how you're able to do this that really matters.  That's where this blog comes in for me; it helps me integrate Gabriel into my daily life.  It just doesn't feel right not to.  I also have a framed picture of him in our room, which I love :).  I found this poem, and while I don't expect people to remember him (considering he wasn't even full term when we lost him), it would be nice to eventually be able to speak more openly about loss through miscarriage.  I think of all the moms who have been through this, some many, many times, and my wish is that they wouldn't feel obligated to grieve alone...


REMEMBERING

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further
The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry,
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.

It hurts when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my baby,
And know that he has been missed.

You ask me how I am doing,
I say "pretty good" or "just fine",
But healing is something ongoing
I think it'll take a lifetime.

~Elizabeth Dent~

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