Happy would-be birthday to Gabriel!

As you may (or may not) have noticed, I've kinda dropped the ball on blogging...  I knew that would happen, but I intended for it to be a little more gradual ;).  Yesterday was my would-be due date, so I feel it only appropriate to mark the occasion here.  I considered celebrating the day by doing something special, but as I thought more about it I realized that my due date didn't mean that much... after all, my older two were born 2 weeks *after* their due dates and my 3rd a week early and I don't celebrate their due dates.  It has been a bit of an emotional week for me, though, knowing that I should would be welcoming a newborn into our lives.  Mostly I've moved forward, but then sometimes I'm reminded of the things I'm missing out on like no carseat to put in the car, not getting the chance to nurse him, not having baby things all over the house.  Sometimes, late at night, when it's so quiet and peaceful instead of thinking "Ah, this is nice..." I think "If only I was being awakened by newborn cries..."  But, it is what it is.  No amount of wishing will change that.  On the plus side of things, I've been able to connect with people I'd never have connected with otherwise.  For example, a family friend (who had been informed I was pregnant at some point, but unaware I had lost him) asked me about the baby today.  Any other day I would have been perfectly fine answering, but (since it was today) I burst into tears explaining that I had lost him in August and yesterday would have been his due date.  She was very sweet, apologizing for asking and expressing her condolences.  Without warning a lady standing close by who had overheard my story (whom I had never met) reached over and gave me a warm hug and told me she too had suffered a loss in Oct.  Another woman (who I had also never met) shared her story of losing 4 babies by 13 weeks before being able to have any.  It was a tender moment that I'm grateful to have experienced.  At any rate, happy would-be birthday, Gabriel! :)

Doctor, doctor... (New MTHFR regimen)

I went to a new dr. yesterday who is very familiar w/ MTHFR (which is good...you can read more about that here, if you'd like) and she started me on a new regimen.  The good news: I was *totally* on the right track with all of my bp research before I found out about the MTHFR!  I had purchased and was taking folic acid, b12, and CoQ10.  The bad news? The MTHFR causes me not to process the synthetic forms of these supplements!  She rx'd methyl folate (a broken down form of folic acid), methyl b12, and ubiquinol (an advanced form of coq10)!  Crazy.  She also rx'd b12 *injections*!  YIKES!  I'm supposed to self-administer them 3x/week.  Ha!   Those of you who know me know how I am with needles!  This Dr. actually has the same MTHFR mutation as me, and she said the oral supplements didn't have a "clinical" affect for her, and that the injections are much better, so... I guess I'll try it!  Haven't tried it yet, we'll see if I can do it... Wish me luck!

Acceptance

Ok, so... I haven't blogged in a while.  It's been 14 weeks...  I miss my baby boy and would give *anything* to have him here with us in January.  I've had a hard time sorting my feelings the past few weeks. Mostly, though, because I've been doing pretty well, I guess I just haven't wanted to "stir the pot".  The first few weeks & months were definitely comparative to being stuck on an emotional roller coaster (or merry-go-round, tilt-a-whirl...whatever LOL!).  After 3 long months, things finally started to even out on that front.  I actually feel a bit guilty sometimes because I have been doing so well, but mostly I'm glad.  I do often wonder *why* I feel ok, and here's my theory (because I know how everyone loves my theories ;))...

I think I've somehow (by the grace of God, perhaps) found a way to *really* embrace my grief and moved forward.  I think of it kind of like getting a stomach bug... You know how you get that feeling, like you're gonna throw up and if you avoid it or try to keep telling yourself "I'm not throwing up, I'm not throwing up..."  Which, of course, just makes that horrible, awful sick feeling worse and worse?  Then, once you finally do it's such a relief?!  That's my analogy for grief.  The more you try to suppress it, the worse it gets, and it *will* come out eventually!  So sometimes it's just better to get it out!  Purge!  That's how I am when I'm sick, too. As much as I hate being sick, I hate that almost-sick feeling even worse- I'd rather just upchuck.

So anyway, I do still go back and read old posts, journal entries, and look at pictures.  Some people would say it just prolongs the grieving, but I think that's what's helped me in the end.  And, really, more than anything it's given me a sense of reassurance. Reassurance that this really happened, that my feelings were/are valid, but mostly, reassurance that I won't forget!  A loss like this is not only emotionally taxing, but it changes you.  And I've come to accept that.

Day 29: Healing

HEALING-

If I were to pick one thing that has helped me the most in my healing it would have to be... talking about it.  Whether it be with friends in person, via fb, on my blog or in a support group.  I have found it amazingly therepudic to say what I needed to say!  And, thankfully, I really haven't gotten too much criticism.  This Dr. Seuss quote is perfect...

Day 28: Special Place #captureyourgrief

SPECIAL PLACE-

Here is my special place for Gabriel as of right now... It's not a lot, just something to recognize that he was here, he existed, and he made an impact!

Day 27: Signs #captureyourgrief

SIGNS-

"If you believe in life after death do you believe your child has ways of contacting you? Have you had any signs?"  This is a tricky one as I do believe in life after death, and I do believe our loved ones can contact us, but I am not convinced they always do.  I believe that after this life there is lots to do and that those who pass on are kept quite busy!  I think they can "visit" us if there is need, though.  I'm not sure I've received any signs from Gabriel, but I believe I have been sent signs from my Heavenly Father... That Gabriel's ok, that I'll be ok, that somehow, someway, everything will eventually be ok.  Really, I can't think of many specific signs, just more of a peaceful feeling in my heart, especially when reading scripture or pondering the eternal nature of Families or when I visit the Temple (a special place of worship in our church).

Day 25: Say it out loud. #captureyourgrief

SAY IT OUT LOUD-

Ok... Playing catch-up!  "If you could say anything out loud about your journey with grief with the death or your baby, what would it be? What do you want the world to know? Is there a cause that touches your heart that you want to raise awareness for?"  Ummmm... SO MUCH!  There's no way I could include all I'd want to say in one post!  But more than ANYTHING else: Gabriel wasn't just a "miscarriage", "pregnancy loss", or a case of "fetal demise".  He was, and is, my child and he took a little piece of my heart with him when he left us...