"Blessed are they that mourn..."

Matthew 5:4 says "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.".  To be completely truthful I've always thought that was an odd sentiment.  Mourning is a part of life, but  to say that those who mourn are "blessed"?  Why would Christ say that??  Well, through losing Gabriel I've found a whole new meaning in this brief scripture! It's not necessarily in the mourning that we are blessed, but in the uniquely specific comfort that we are privy to because of the mourning!  By putting it in writing, it seems simple, but it just never clicked.  I have never felt such profound comfort any other time in my life.  It doesn't come automatically... We have to seek it, but it's there!  Like I said, pretty obvious, right?  "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted!"

"In His Constant Care" by Simon Dewey

{I absolutely LOVE this painting!}

Good days bring mixed emotions...

Today was a good day!  A little too good... :/  I feel like should be glad to have such a great day, but instead I find myself feeling guilty!  I'm torn between being grateful to be coping so much better than I thought I would, and trying desperately not to forget him!  It feels wrong to go on with life as usual...  But what else can you do?  I'm not really one to dwell on things too much, but this is one thing that I kind of wish I could.  How do you remember someone with whom you have no memories?  How do you keep someone with you that wasn't here long enough to even know?  It's really an awkward place to be... stuck between trying to remember what was never there and trying not to forget what is!  I realize that doesn't really make a lot of sense, and I'm pretty sure it never will... 

"O death, where is thy sting?"

Today marks 1 year since the car accident that took my brother-in-law's life.  He was only 24. I know this doesn't directly relate to my story and what this blog is about, but due to my recent experience it got me thinking a lot about death in general today.  Death is an unfortunate part of life, you cannot have one without the other.  I know, I know... You're all probably thinking "Thanks, a lot, Captain Obvious!"  Well, there's really not much I can say that hasn't already been said about death, but that's what's been on my mind.  You really never know how long you'll have on this earth, or how long you'll have with the ones you love! One of my favorite scriptures about death is found in 1 Corinthians 15:55 "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?"  Simple, yet profound!  We all have had or will have to face death many different ways and times in our lives, but through the Atonement of Christ the sting of death can be overcome!  What an incredible thought!

Something else that I've been thinking a lot about lately is how interesting it is that we all cope so differently with the grief associated with death!  The questions crossed my mind "Do we not all have  similar feelings of grief?" "Do some people experience grief with more intensity?" "Why do some people still have a hard time moving on after years, while others are able to get back to life after a few weeks?"  I've determined that my opinion (you'll find I have lots of those and am not terribly shy about sharing them. LOL!) is that we do all have similar feelings of grief after a loss of any kind, but that the severity and duration vary due to our personal religious or philosophical beliefs and coping abilities.  While I don't think we ever really "get over" the loss of a loved one, I do think we can get over the grief (perhaps w/ some help).  We're each unique in how we handle things, so I think it takes some experimentation to find things that help each individual. I'm no expert, but my advice?  Listen to your heart!  Do what helps you (as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else), seek out people who are supportive and steer clear of those who aren't.  Try different things.  Oftentimes the things we find helpful aren't things you ever would have predicted.  I know that's been very true for me!  And one last thing... Be kind. Be sensitive!  You just never know what others may be going through, or how they may be feeling, which is why we should try never to judge.  But, you know... those are just my thoughts... ;)

Journey to a Promised Land

 Most of you know that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which means I am a "Mormon".  Last night I attended a regional meeting for women in the church, and the woman who spoke was the president of the entire Relief Society (the women's organization) of the church.  At the end of her talk she read a scripture from the Book of Mormon (a book of scripture we use alongside the Bible) that was just so applicable to me right now, that I wanted to share.
To give you some background, this excerpt is an account of a group of people called the Jaredites who lived during the time of the Tower of Babel (found in Genesis 11:1-9).  As the story goes, the Jaredites asked the Lord to spare them from the confusion that ensued after the tower was built and the Lord came down to confound the language of the people.  Because the Jaredites had righteous desires, He commanded them to build vessels to travel across the seas to the Promised Land (the Americas) and away from the destruction.  Here is their account:

------------------------------------

     And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind. 

      And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.
      And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters.
     And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind.
      And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord.
      And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water.
     And thus they were driven forth, three hundred and forty and four days upon the water.
     And they did land upon the shore of the promised land. And when they had set their feet upon the shores of the promised land they bowed themselves down upon the face of the land, and did humble themselves before the Lord, and did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his tender mercies over them.
                                                                                                                                   Book of Mormon; Ether Ch.6, vs. 5-12

------------------------------------ 

Now, on to why I wanted to share this... ;)

How similar are our lives to this journey?  As we travel toward our metaphorical (or literal) "Promised Land" we are often tossed by the winds and waves along the way.  Sometimes the greatness of the wind and waves becoming mighty tempests, and sometimes feeling completely buried by our trials!  However, there's glad news, too! Though the winds of tribulation are often fierce and unceasing, they are ALWAYS pushing us towards the promises of the Lord!  If we will cry out to the Him, even in the depth of our sorrows, he will always rescue us from our despair.  These people never ceased to praise and give thanks to Lord, and because of their righteousness and endurance He protected them and gave them the light of Christ to *always* be with them, above or beneath the waters.  I've learned that we, too, can have that, during easy or difficult periods of our lives!  Then, when they finally reached the Promised Land they immediately bowed down once again to give praise and thanks to the Lord for His many tender mercies!  Do we do that?  Do we remember to Thank the Lord in trialing times AND when the trial is over?  I learned this story as a child, but never until this experience had I recognized how specifically it can apply to us!  I was just so grateful Sis. Burton felt impressed to share this scripture with us last night, so I just wanted to pass my 2¢ along to you all, because of how impressed I was at the parallels (while perhaps not literal) in this section.  As always, thanks for reading (whoever might be doing so... :oP)!

Remembering Gabriel

Today has been 3 weeks and I can honestly say I'm doing alright. :)  It was touch-and-go there for a while!  I still have my 'moments' every now and then, but overall I really do think I'm gonna be ok...  To be completely honest, though, I'm good with the idea of having hard moments now and again if it means I can remember my angel baby.  I've decided that you don't ever completely heal from something like this (or any other major loss).  It's not something you "move on" from or "get over".  While time does have a way of making the pain more bearable, and the Atonement has incredible healing powers, I think an experience like this is largely something you have to internalize and incorporate into who you are.  It becomes a part of you.  It's how you're able to do this that really matters.  That's where this blog comes in for me; it helps me integrate Gabriel into my daily life.  It just doesn't feel right not to.  I also have a framed picture of him in our room, which I love :).  I found this poem, and while I don't expect people to remember him (considering he wasn't even full term when we lost him), it would be nice to eventually be able to speak more openly about loss through miscarriage.  I think of all the moms who have been through this, some many, many times, and my wish is that they wouldn't feel obligated to grieve alone...


REMEMBERING

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further
The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry,
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.

It hurts when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my baby,
And know that he has been missed.

You ask me how I am doing,
I say "pretty good" or "just fine",
But healing is something ongoing
I think it'll take a lifetime.

~Elizabeth Dent~

@>----}--------------------

Developing an attitude of GRATITUDE

I told you things would be a little out of order for a while, and this is a good example. It seems logical that the first/ next order of business should be giving you the rundown of the circumstances surrounding my miscarriage and telling you the whole story, but I just don't feel like doing that yet... Instead I want to share something that's really helped me lately, and that's developing an attitude of gratitude. ;)  If anyone were to have told me beforehand what was about to happen, and told me to look for things to be thankful for I would probably have told them they were insane.  After all, how could you possibly find things to be grateful in a situation like this?!?  Well, I can't really answer *how*, but I am here to tell you that it is possible!  I have seen the Tender Mercies of the Lord more during this trial than in any other time of my life, so I feel like it would be terribly prideful of me not to recognize His handiwork.  I've learned that the Lord allows sorrow and tragedy in our lives, but He has shown me with no uncertainty that these tragedies are not necessarily His doing, and that He will always come to our aid if we can/ will humble ourselves enough to see it.  I know some of these may seem trivial, but here is a list (albeit incomplete) of the many things I have to be thankful for during this difficult time:

~My Hubby- who's been pretty great through all of this!
~My other three children
~The Gospel
~Temples and the ordinances & peace you can find nowhere else
~My knowledge that families can be together forever
~The hope that I'll see Gabriel again someday
~Prayer
~Websites w/ pics & stories of miscarriage that I stumbled upon long before there was a problem
~Intuition (or whatever you want to call it!) so the Dr.'s news wasn't a complete shock
~That we were able to find out he was a boy the week prior
~A kind Doctor
~An empty waiting room when I left the Dr.'s office
~Priesthood blessings
~The rainbow we saw on our way to the hospital
~My mom for being willing and able to keep my kinds for 2 1/2 days without warning
~Modern technology that allowed me to share my unfortunate news once (instead of over and over!)
       and allowed me immediate access to kind, supportive words from friends & family
~Indescribably AMAZING nurses!
~The compassionate way the hospital dealt with us
~Being able to deliver naturally & avoid surgery
~Having the opportunity to see and hold my baby
~Finding some incredible songs that express my feelings so perfectly
~Friends who have been willing to share their own experiences with me
~Not having to deal with much of the insensitivity you hear about
~The most uncomplicated physical recovery I could've asked for
~A church community that brought dinners to us
~A package from my long-time bestie on a particularly rough day
~Wonderful supportive friends and family
~Having pictures and hand/footprints to remember him

The list could go on...  So many things to be thankful for!

Unexpected Storm...

Yes, I realize I just posted earlier today, but I have some catching up to do ;)  I thought it would be a good idea to explain the title of my blog: "Unexpected Storm".  While it may seem somewhat self-explanitory, theres a little more to it than meets the eye.  I do want to say that over all I feel like I've been able to cope pretty well (and I take no credit for that, but that's for another post...).  I've been able to recognize many tender mercies by my Heavenly Father from the very begining of all of this that lessened the blow a bit (so to speak), but nothing could have prepared me for the depth of sorrow that I would feel.  There have been a lot of days especially in the first week or two that were just plain HARD!  The grief I experienced (as too many mother's before me can testify) was overwhelming and profound.  The first morning after I had my sweet angel I woke up sobbbing and that has never happened to me before!  It really did take me by surprise.  This is how I described it to my friends & family on facebook on a particularly difficult day: "There is very little (if anything) anyone can say or do to make things 'better'  when your heart is hurting. The days are getting better and easier overall, but the pain comes and goes with the tiniest provocation, and all you can do is allow it, and wait for it to pass. When you experience this kind of heartache (for whatever reason) it is beyond reassuring to know the Lord cares and knows exactly how you're feeling. However, it does not *absolve* the pain right now, it simply gives you something to cling to when the waves of grief come crashing down on you, sometimes without warning. It's a light to hold on to when life feels dark."

The reason I tell you all of this is because about a week after I had Gabriel (it just doesn't feel right to say "after my miscarriage", even though that's what it was...) I came across this song that expresses so perfectly my own feelings.  It really helped me get through some of those really hard days and let me know it was ok to just cry.

"Just Let Me Cry"

by: Hilary Weeks

(In case the imbedded video doesn't work- like on my iPad- click here to go to the video on YouTube! :oP )

Here are the lyrics:

I believe that everything happens for a reason

We’re not just tossed by the wind and left in the hands of fate
*But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected*
And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.

And when I feel the heartache begin to pull me under
I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground
Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger
And there’s nothing I can do but let it out

So just let me cry
I know it’s hard to see
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today
So just let me cry
‘Til every tear has fallen
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why
Just let me cry

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break
But I know he knows exactly how I’m feeling
And I know in time he’ll take the pain away

But for now just let me cry
I know it’s hard to see
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today
So just let me cry
‘Til every tear has fallen
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why
Just let me cry

I have felt joy, the kind that makes my heart want to sing
And so my tears are not a surrender, I’ll feel that way again
But for now, for this moment

Just let me cry
I know it’s hard to see
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today
Just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why
Just let me cry

I believe that everything happens for a reason
----------------------------------


So.  That was kind of a long way to get to my point, but you'll notice I marked the third line of the song... "Sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected"... and thus the name of my blog.  This is definitely what I would call an "unexpected storm" in my life.  Storms come, and they go.  Some just bring rain, others bring more than that and even after clean-up and rebuilding leave lasting effects.  Even so, life must go on and rainbows always come after the rain.