Little things...

Amazing how sometimes the little things can get to ya... Like apple seeds!  I was cutting up my nighttime snack, an apple, and a seed fell out.  Doesn't seem like anything significant but when I found out I was pregnant I started tracking the baby's size as compared to fruits/ veggies.  I'm sure you've seen that... Seeds, berries, lime, orange, etc...  Well, when I first started around 5 weeks he was about the size of an apple seed.

I pulled a seed out of an apple so I'd have something tangible to compare to :).  I "watched" as he grew to the size of a sweet pea, blueberry, then a raspberry!  I saw his growth reach the size of a lime and then an orange, then an avacado!  By the time we learned of his passing he had grown to the approximate size of a sweet potato!

From an apple seed to a sweet potato in a matter of 3 short months! INCREDIBLE!  And had he lived, he would've tripled in length and gained a whopping 25 times his weight in the next 5 1/2 months!!  The heartbreak of losing him hasn't diminished in any way the miracle of it all.  It never ceases to amaze me!

My necklace

It's been several days since I last posted, and I feel terribly guilty about it! I know I shouldn't... I've been keeping busy and I intended all along to taper off my blogging so it wasn't everyday.  But I'm still feeling reluctant to let go in any way of my boy.  There have been many moments where I just wish I could hold him again, touch him, know that he's real!  I will never forget him, but I feel like I'm already forgetting things about him and it's only been almost 6 weeks. SIX weeks?! It seems like the past 6 weeks have been a lifetime, and yet gone in a moment!  Well, there I go rambling again!  The reason I started to write was to show you a lovely gift I got in the mail today!

Isn't that neat!  I came across this organization a couple of weeks ago called August Wings.  Along with selling hand stamped jewelry, they provide necklaces, free of charge, to bereaved parents.  One side is for you to wear, and the other is to put with your baby or in your memory box (as I have). I think this is a wonderful idea!  I am currently exploring the art of hand stamped jewelry myself, and hope to be able to do something similar in the future.  You can find the link to their site here under "Memorial & Remembrance Items"  Thank you, August Wings!  I love it!

Happy International Bereaved Father's Day

Today is apparently International Bereaved Father's Day.  Not something I would have known before I became a member of the pregnancy & babyloss community. In so many ways I wish I was still blissfully ignorant of these days...  Anyway, I'm rambling.  I found another poem just yesterday that is just perfect for the occasion:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A Father's Grief"

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's alright
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But stays strong for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so brave because
He lost his baby too.

Author Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really haven't taken enough time to say "Thank you" to my hubby after all of this.  We've had our fair share of rough patches in our 9 1/2 years of marriage, but I don't know if I would've survived (especially those first couple weeks) without his support.  So... Thanks babe.  And Happy International Bereaved Father's Day to all greiving fathers out there.

It's not their fault...

This afternoon I went to visit a friend in the hospital who just had her baby.  I've come across so many people (through online support groups and such) who, after losing their own baby, felt angry and resentful of others who announced pregnancy and had healthy babies.  Personally, I haven't felt that way, but so many have expressed these same feelings that I wondered if maybe that part of my grieving process just hadn't struck yet!  There was a small part of me that was a little afraid that going to visit would be like rubbing salt in an all-too-raw wound.  I envisioned myself suddenly losing control of my emotions and having to leave the room or something!  I worried that, though I'd run through it in my mind, all those feelings (that sit so close to the surface all the time lately) would come rushing back on knock me on my behind... metaphorically speaking ;).  However, the bigger part of me, that wanted to face that fear and go see that sweet boy (and his mommy, of course ;)), won out and so I went.  I felt good about it, but even in the elevator on my way up, gift in hand, I questioned again in my mind whether this was a bad idea.  Well, long story short, it wasn't (a bad idea, that is ;) ).  If anything, it was good for my heart!  I would never belittle the way others grieve and learn to cope with their own losses, but for me I don't feel like I should harbor ill feelings toward others who haven't suffered this kind of loss. It's not their fault Gabriel didn't live... As a matter of fact, it's really not anyone's fault!  Now, that's not to say there aren't some people or situations that are harder for me to deal with, but even then, my loss is my cross to bear, and it shouldn't affect my relationships because of someone else's situation.  I would never wish for anyone to go through this, so I can't help but hope for only positive outcomes from others' (especially my friends') pregnancies.  While I still grieve daily for my own loss, I am so happy and relieved when a baby is born healthy and strong.  Hopefully I'll be able to experience that again, and if I do I know I'll have a whole new appreciation for the miracle of life!  I will never again take a healthy pregnancy for granted.

I do have good days! :)

Today has been a pretty good day, so I though I'd post from that angle.  I figure anyone reading this should know that not all my days are bad... I do have good days ;). In all actuality  (not counting that first week +) I'd say I have more good moments than bad and the scale is slowly beginning to tip even farther that direction... Most of what I post on here is about my bad days and learning to cope, because that's what I started this blog specifically for!  I just really don't want you to think I walk around sad and miserable all the time... Because I don't!  Matter of fact, if you were to randomly meet me on any given day you'd probably never guess what I've been going through.  More than likely you'd assume I was a fairly happy person.  Tired, maybe, but generally pleasant.  Now, there have been some moments (occasionally days) that I've had a really hard time getting out of my 'funk'. But those are times when I'll semi-isolate myself so I don't have to pretend.  I really don't like pretending things are ok when they're not, so on those days I try to stick around my house, maybe I'll find things to keep busy to distract myself, and often that's when I'll write down my feelings here or elsewhere as a release.  At first I was kind of afraid to continue my daily life and not feel sad because I thought I would- on some level- forget what happened.  Even worse, I was afraid I would forget my angel!  As I've read and talked to others who have been through similar experiences I've become much more confident that that won't, no, that that CAN'T happen!  This realization (along with many other coping techniques) has helped me to recognize that holding on to the sadness, the pain, won't do anything but hurt me more.  Of course that's not to say it doesn't still hit me sometimes, HARD, but I know that I don't need to be miserable all the time to remember Gabriel.  In the long run, I would much rather remember whatever happy parts of this experience I've had more than only remembering the hurt.

Ten points I wish every person knew about the death of a Child

I already did a post today, but I saw this article posted on FB and I just had to share it, because it kinda goes along with what I posted earlier.  I realize my baby was not living with us before he died, nor was he even full-term, and I acknowledge that there is a bit of a difference.  I don't know for certain how different, because I have not had to go through the trauma of losing a child after birth (and I PRAY I never do!).  That said, though, Gabriel is still my child and we did still lose him, so I can relate to many things in this article.  Please take a moment to read this article, and think about it.  One of the things that has been most poignant to me through this experience is just HOW MANY women/couples have gone through this!  So you just never know what sorrow may be lying just below the surface... So be kind!

Here is the article:

Ten points I wish every person knew about the death of a Child

The Reunion

The past few days have been hard.  Not sure why, but they have.  I don't think anything's been different!  Well, whatever... It is what it is!  I found this poem yesterday (I know, right? Another poem?! Well, what can I say... there are a bunch of 'em out there!) Anyway, I really like it.  Since there's no credited author I took some liberty and changed a few of the words.

The Reunion

Since Heaven has become your home

I sometimes feel I'm so alone,

And though I know we're not far apart

You hold a sliver of my heart.

I never knew how much I'd grieve

When it was time for you to leave

Or just how much my heart would ache

From that small fragment you would take!

God lets this tender hole remain

Reminding me well meet again,

And when we do my pain will cease

For He'll restore that missing piece!

He'll turn to joy my every tear

The day I hold you oh, so near!

Then together, forever we will stay

Beginning on that Reunion Day!

~Unknown

I can't even begin to tell you how much hope I have looking forward to that day when I get to see my baby again!!
Until then... XOXO to you, my sweet Gabriel!

Why are you crying, Mommy?

Today I was sitting there reading an article online about fathers & miscarriage and something in it hit a chord with me, and the tears started flowing (yet again...). My 6 yr old stopped in his tracks and asked me why I was crying.  I told him I read something that made me sad, and left it at that.  It's hard to explain to kids why you're sad. While I don't try to hide my grief from them, I don't want them to worry, either.  I'm not always sad... Promise! Most of the time when they ask questions, we're able to talk openly about what happened to the baby without any problem.  But other times I can't even think about him/it without tearing up!  Sometimes the hurt is buried beneath the hustle and bustle of daily life, sometimes it subsides enough to push it aside and smile and laugh with my kids and friends, but sometimes, no matter how hard I try, the grief  lurks just below the surface waiting for something, ANYthing to trigger the waterworks.  How can you explain to a child that grief comes and goes, but doesn't really disappear?  I would say that one day they'll understand, but as a mom, my hope would be that they never do!

So... What happened?!

Well, tomorrow marks 4 weeks since Gabriel's birth.  Coincidentally, it's also my 29th birthday.  Well, it is what it is and so I think I'll finally get around to sharing my story with you to commemorate the occasion...

I'd had a rather uneventful pregnancy up to my 16 week appt (which was actually closer to 17 weeks) at which point my bp was a little high.  Not scary-high, just borderline.  We know his heart was still beating at that point, because it was easy to find with the doppler & I had an ultrasound to find out his sex (boy! ;))  The only other issue I'd had was my Vitamin D levels were on the low side (also not a huge concern)  I'm almost certain I was 17 weeks and either 3 or 4 days when his heart stopped because that's when I felt like something was wrong. Monday I felt like something was a little off.  My husband was out of town, so I called to tell him my concerns, and he reassured me best he could.  I hadn't felt any movement for a while, but it was still pretty early, so that wasn't a huge red flag.  Tuesday morning I still felt like something was strange, so I pulled out my home doppler and tried to find his hb and couldn't!  I had no unusual symptoms to speak of- no cramping, no bleeding, no anything. As a matter of fact, if anything, I had fewer symptoms than usual!  I tried again later, and again the next morning.  Still nothing.  I was trying not to panic (especially since I knew it wouldn't have done any good...)  Anyway, I had an appointment first the next morning (Thursday) to have my bp checked.  That's when it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat.  I did add a page with my whole story, so if you would like to read it in it's entirety you can go here (please be aware that it is fairly detailed and includes pictures of Gabriel).

Here is what I posted on FB that day:

"This may be too much information for some of you, but I feel like a one time explanation would be preferable over having to tell everyone individually. So, here goes... I went in for a routine bp check this morning and discovered the baby had no heartbeat. I am just over 17 weeks [I was actually right at 18 weeks... not sure what I was thinking...]  I can't explain it exactly, but I already knew. As soon as I suspected a problem I prayed for two things. 1) If this was His will that I would be allowed sufficient warning so I wouldn't be surprised and 2) That I would have the chance to get things taken care of w/out surgery. As always, I am consistently reminded of the tender mercies of the Lord. Last night I received a blessing that was exactly what I need to hear. Not what I wanted, but what I needed. I cried most of the night because I *knew*. Then at the Dr. (although I did have to wait a crazy long time) everyone was very gentle and sweet and there was nobody in the waiting room when I left, which was strangely comforting. We are currently at the hospital with the nicest possible nurse (who will be here all night) in the process of being induced so I can avoid a D&E. And lastly, a miscarriage has always been top on my list of fears. I truly feel that a miscarriage at any point in my life prior to now would have completely crippled me, but at this point in my life I feel like it is (at very least) manageable. Graig and I are both holding up alright, but prayers would be greatly appreciated."

This is my post from later that day:

"Thought I'd better give y'all a quick update. We're still at the hospital, but all done and just waiting for discharge. Gabriel Travis Daniels was born at 2:08 weighing 3.9 oz and measuring 7" long. It's been a rough day to say the least, but I'm thankful for all the little things that made it just a tad bit easier. Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and prayers."

So, what happened??  Honestly, we don't know.  They're were no signs of an infection, no signs of a cord accident, and no obvious signs of any deformities.  They did do some genetic tests, but we won't know the results for a little while, yet.  I think I would be more surprised if thy did find something than if they didn't.  I have decided that I am at peace with the understanding that this was the plan for us at this time.   Don't get me wrong... there will always be a piece missing from my heart, but I have chosen to be grateful that this has been as gentle an experience as it could've been.  Well, considering the circumstances...

"Blessed are they that mourn..."

Matthew 5:4 says "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.".  To be completely truthful I've always thought that was an odd sentiment.  Mourning is a part of life, but  to say that those who mourn are "blessed"?  Why would Christ say that??  Well, through losing Gabriel I've found a whole new meaning in this brief scripture! It's not necessarily in the mourning that we are blessed, but in the uniquely specific comfort that we are privy to because of the mourning!  By putting it in writing, it seems simple, but it just never clicked.  I have never felt such profound comfort any other time in my life.  It doesn't come automatically... We have to seek it, but it's there!  Like I said, pretty obvious, right?  "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted!"

"In His Constant Care" by Simon Dewey

{I absolutely LOVE this painting!}

Good days bring mixed emotions...

Today was a good day!  A little too good... :/  I feel like should be glad to have such a great day, but instead I find myself feeling guilty!  I'm torn between being grateful to be coping so much better than I thought I would, and trying desperately not to forget him!  It feels wrong to go on with life as usual...  But what else can you do?  I'm not really one to dwell on things too much, but this is one thing that I kind of wish I could.  How do you remember someone with whom you have no memories?  How do you keep someone with you that wasn't here long enough to even know?  It's really an awkward place to be... stuck between trying to remember what was never there and trying not to forget what is!  I realize that doesn't really make a lot of sense, and I'm pretty sure it never will... 

"O death, where is thy sting?"

Today marks 1 year since the car accident that took my brother-in-law's life.  He was only 24. I know this doesn't directly relate to my story and what this blog is about, but due to my recent experience it got me thinking a lot about death in general today.  Death is an unfortunate part of life, you cannot have one without the other.  I know, I know... You're all probably thinking "Thanks, a lot, Captain Obvious!"  Well, there's really not much I can say that hasn't already been said about death, but that's what's been on my mind.  You really never know how long you'll have on this earth, or how long you'll have with the ones you love! One of my favorite scriptures about death is found in 1 Corinthians 15:55 "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?"  Simple, yet profound!  We all have had or will have to face death many different ways and times in our lives, but through the Atonement of Christ the sting of death can be overcome!  What an incredible thought!

Something else that I've been thinking a lot about lately is how interesting it is that we all cope so differently with the grief associated with death!  The questions crossed my mind "Do we not all have  similar feelings of grief?" "Do some people experience grief with more intensity?" "Why do some people still have a hard time moving on after years, while others are able to get back to life after a few weeks?"  I've determined that my opinion (you'll find I have lots of those and am not terribly shy about sharing them. LOL!) is that we do all have similar feelings of grief after a loss of any kind, but that the severity and duration vary due to our personal religious or philosophical beliefs and coping abilities.  While I don't think we ever really "get over" the loss of a loved one, I do think we can get over the grief (perhaps w/ some help).  We're each unique in how we handle things, so I think it takes some experimentation to find things that help each individual. I'm no expert, but my advice?  Listen to your heart!  Do what helps you (as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else), seek out people who are supportive and steer clear of those who aren't.  Try different things.  Oftentimes the things we find helpful aren't things you ever would have predicted.  I know that's been very true for me!  And one last thing... Be kind. Be sensitive!  You just never know what others may be going through, or how they may be feeling, which is why we should try never to judge.  But, you know... those are just my thoughts... ;)

Journey to a Promised Land

 Most of you know that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which means I am a "Mormon".  Last night I attended a regional meeting for women in the church, and the woman who spoke was the president of the entire Relief Society (the women's organization) of the church.  At the end of her talk she read a scripture from the Book of Mormon (a book of scripture we use alongside the Bible) that was just so applicable to me right now, that I wanted to share.
To give you some background, this excerpt is an account of a group of people called the Jaredites who lived during the time of the Tower of Babel (found in Genesis 11:1-9).  As the story goes, the Jaredites asked the Lord to spare them from the confusion that ensued after the tower was built and the Lord came down to confound the language of the people.  Because the Jaredites had righteous desires, He commanded them to build vessels to travel across the seas to the Promised Land (the Americas) and away from the destruction.  Here is their account:

------------------------------------

     And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind. 

      And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.
      And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters.
     And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind.
      And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord.
      And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water.
     And thus they were driven forth, three hundred and forty and four days upon the water.
     And they did land upon the shore of the promised land. And when they had set their feet upon the shores of the promised land they bowed themselves down upon the face of the land, and did humble themselves before the Lord, and did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his tender mercies over them.
                                                                                                                                   Book of Mormon; Ether Ch.6, vs. 5-12

------------------------------------ 

Now, on to why I wanted to share this... ;)

How similar are our lives to this journey?  As we travel toward our metaphorical (or literal) "Promised Land" we are often tossed by the winds and waves along the way.  Sometimes the greatness of the wind and waves becoming mighty tempests, and sometimes feeling completely buried by our trials!  However, there's glad news, too! Though the winds of tribulation are often fierce and unceasing, they are ALWAYS pushing us towards the promises of the Lord!  If we will cry out to the Him, even in the depth of our sorrows, he will always rescue us from our despair.  These people never ceased to praise and give thanks to Lord, and because of their righteousness and endurance He protected them and gave them the light of Christ to *always* be with them, above or beneath the waters.  I've learned that we, too, can have that, during easy or difficult periods of our lives!  Then, when they finally reached the Promised Land they immediately bowed down once again to give praise and thanks to the Lord for His many tender mercies!  Do we do that?  Do we remember to Thank the Lord in trialing times AND when the trial is over?  I learned this story as a child, but never until this experience had I recognized how specifically it can apply to us!  I was just so grateful Sis. Burton felt impressed to share this scripture with us last night, so I just wanted to pass my 2¢ along to you all, because of how impressed I was at the parallels (while perhaps not literal) in this section.  As always, thanks for reading (whoever might be doing so... :oP)!

Remembering Gabriel

Today has been 3 weeks and I can honestly say I'm doing alright. :)  It was touch-and-go there for a while!  I still have my 'moments' every now and then, but overall I really do think I'm gonna be ok...  To be completely honest, though, I'm good with the idea of having hard moments now and again if it means I can remember my angel baby.  I've decided that you don't ever completely heal from something like this (or any other major loss).  It's not something you "move on" from or "get over".  While time does have a way of making the pain more bearable, and the Atonement has incredible healing powers, I think an experience like this is largely something you have to internalize and incorporate into who you are.  It becomes a part of you.  It's how you're able to do this that really matters.  That's where this blog comes in for me; it helps me integrate Gabriel into my daily life.  It just doesn't feel right not to.  I also have a framed picture of him in our room, which I love :).  I found this poem, and while I don't expect people to remember him (considering he wasn't even full term when we lost him), it would be nice to eventually be able to speak more openly about loss through miscarriage.  I think of all the moms who have been through this, some many, many times, and my wish is that they wouldn't feel obligated to grieve alone...


REMEMBERING

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further
The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry,
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.

It hurts when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my baby,
And know that he has been missed.

You ask me how I am doing,
I say "pretty good" or "just fine",
But healing is something ongoing
I think it'll take a lifetime.

~Elizabeth Dent~

@>----}--------------------

Developing an attitude of GRATITUDE

I told you things would be a little out of order for a while, and this is a good example. It seems logical that the first/ next order of business should be giving you the rundown of the circumstances surrounding my miscarriage and telling you the whole story, but I just don't feel like doing that yet... Instead I want to share something that's really helped me lately, and that's developing an attitude of gratitude. ;)  If anyone were to have told me beforehand what was about to happen, and told me to look for things to be thankful for I would probably have told them they were insane.  After all, how could you possibly find things to be grateful in a situation like this?!?  Well, I can't really answer *how*, but I am here to tell you that it is possible!  I have seen the Tender Mercies of the Lord more during this trial than in any other time of my life, so I feel like it would be terribly prideful of me not to recognize His handiwork.  I've learned that the Lord allows sorrow and tragedy in our lives, but He has shown me with no uncertainty that these tragedies are not necessarily His doing, and that He will always come to our aid if we can/ will humble ourselves enough to see it.  I know some of these may seem trivial, but here is a list (albeit incomplete) of the many things I have to be thankful for during this difficult time:

~My Hubby- who's been pretty great through all of this!
~My other three children
~The Gospel
~Temples and the ordinances & peace you can find nowhere else
~My knowledge that families can be together forever
~The hope that I'll see Gabriel again someday
~Prayer
~Websites w/ pics & stories of miscarriage that I stumbled upon long before there was a problem
~Intuition (or whatever you want to call it!) so the Dr.'s news wasn't a complete shock
~That we were able to find out he was a boy the week prior
~A kind Doctor
~An empty waiting room when I left the Dr.'s office
~Priesthood blessings
~The rainbow we saw on our way to the hospital
~My mom for being willing and able to keep my kinds for 2 1/2 days without warning
~Modern technology that allowed me to share my unfortunate news once (instead of over and over!)
       and allowed me immediate access to kind, supportive words from friends & family
~Indescribably AMAZING nurses!
~The compassionate way the hospital dealt with us
~Being able to deliver naturally & avoid surgery
~Having the opportunity to see and hold my baby
~Finding some incredible songs that express my feelings so perfectly
~Friends who have been willing to share their own experiences with me
~Not having to deal with much of the insensitivity you hear about
~The most uncomplicated physical recovery I could've asked for
~A church community that brought dinners to us
~A package from my long-time bestie on a particularly rough day
~Wonderful supportive friends and family
~Having pictures and hand/footprints to remember him

The list could go on...  So many things to be thankful for!

Unexpected Storm...

Yes, I realize I just posted earlier today, but I have some catching up to do ;)  I thought it would be a good idea to explain the title of my blog: "Unexpected Storm".  While it may seem somewhat self-explanitory, theres a little more to it than meets the eye.  I do want to say that over all I feel like I've been able to cope pretty well (and I take no credit for that, but that's for another post...).  I've been able to recognize many tender mercies by my Heavenly Father from the very begining of all of this that lessened the blow a bit (so to speak), but nothing could have prepared me for the depth of sorrow that I would feel.  There have been a lot of days especially in the first week or two that were just plain HARD!  The grief I experienced (as too many mother's before me can testify) was overwhelming and profound.  The first morning after I had my sweet angel I woke up sobbbing and that has never happened to me before!  It really did take me by surprise.  This is how I described it to my friends & family on facebook on a particularly difficult day: "There is very little (if anything) anyone can say or do to make things 'better'  when your heart is hurting. The days are getting better and easier overall, but the pain comes and goes with the tiniest provocation, and all you can do is allow it, and wait for it to pass. When you experience this kind of heartache (for whatever reason) it is beyond reassuring to know the Lord cares and knows exactly how you're feeling. However, it does not *absolve* the pain right now, it simply gives you something to cling to when the waves of grief come crashing down on you, sometimes without warning. It's a light to hold on to when life feels dark."

The reason I tell you all of this is because about a week after I had Gabriel (it just doesn't feel right to say "after my miscarriage", even though that's what it was...) I came across this song that expresses so perfectly my own feelings.  It really helped me get through some of those really hard days and let me know it was ok to just cry.

"Just Let Me Cry"

by: Hilary Weeks

(In case the imbedded video doesn't work- like on my iPad- click here to go to the video on YouTube! :oP )

Here are the lyrics:

I believe that everything happens for a reason

We’re not just tossed by the wind and left in the hands of fate
*But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected*
And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.

And when I feel the heartache begin to pull me under
I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground
Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger
And there’s nothing I can do but let it out

So just let me cry
I know it’s hard to see
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today
So just let me cry
‘Til every tear has fallen
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why
Just let me cry

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break
But I know he knows exactly how I’m feeling
And I know in time he’ll take the pain away

But for now just let me cry
I know it’s hard to see
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today
So just let me cry
‘Til every tear has fallen
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why
Just let me cry

I have felt joy, the kind that makes my heart want to sing
And so my tears are not a surrender, I’ll feel that way again
But for now, for this moment

Just let me cry
I know it’s hard to see
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today
Just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen
Don’t ask when and don’t ask why
Just let me cry

I believe that everything happens for a reason
----------------------------------


So.  That was kind of a long way to get to my point, but you'll notice I marked the third line of the song... "Sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected"... and thus the name of my blog.  This is definitely what I would call an "unexpected storm" in my life.  Storms come, and they go.  Some just bring rain, others bring more than that and even after clean-up and rebuilding leave lasting effects.  Even so, life must go on and rainbows always come after the rain.

Hi, my name is Jamie, and I lost a baby to miscarriage...

I'm going to start by saying, I'm not much of a blogger... But I'm not much of a journal-er either and I think the vast majority of my Facebook friends have grown tired of me using FB as my outlet ;).  However, I've found sharing my thoughts and feelings freely and openly much more comforting than I ever expected!  I found a quote that says "A heartbreak isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding.  Sometimes it's as quiet as a feather falling and the most painful part is that nobody hears it but you."  I can't even tell you how huge a relief it is to know there are others who "heard" your heart break.  So... Here I am.

I have recently experienced something that way too many other women have before, and will in the future.  A miscarriage.  In my case his heart stopped at 17 1/2 weeks, and he was born 3-4 days later at what would have been 18 weeks.  Mine was what would be classified as a "late-term miscarriage" because it was after 13 weeks, but before 20 (which would have then been considered a "stillbirth").  I intend for this to be a place for me to let out the things in my mind and heart to help me continue on with my life, which, of course, is inevitable ;).  Much of what I will post (especially in the beginning) is stuff I've already written elsewhere, but it had nowhere to go, so it may be slightly out of order for a while.  Bear with me, I'm new at this :)

(For those of you who don't know, this is my own photograph.

It's one of my favorites ;) )