I went to a new dr. yesterday who is very familiar w/ MTHFR (which is good...you can read more about that here, if you'd like) and she started me on a new regimen. The good news: I was *totally* on the right track with all of my bp research before I found out about the MTHFR! I had purchased and was taking folic acid, b12, and CoQ10. The bad news? The MTHFR causes me not to process the synthetic forms of these supplements! She rx'd methyl folate (a broken down form of folic acid), methyl b12, and ubiquinol (an advanced form of coq10)! Crazy. She also rx'd b12 *injections*! YIKES! I'm supposed to self-administer them 3x/week. Ha! Those of you who know me know how I am with needles! This Dr. actually has the same MTHFR mutation as me, and she said the oral supplements didn't have a "clinical" affect for her, and that the injections are much better, so... I guess I'll try it! Haven't tried it yet, we'll see if I can do it... Wish me luck!
At 17 1/2 weeks of pregnancy I began to suspect something was wrong. The next day, at my Dr.'s appointment, my worst fears were confirmed. They couldn't find my baby's heartbeat. This was the beginning of a journey that we were NOT expecting. This is an account of my journey, both to help me continue with my life & to remember my little angel, Gabriel. I also hope to be able to give some insight and encouragement to those going through a loss, like others' have helped me!
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
Acceptance
Ok, so... I haven't blogged in a while. It's been 14 weeks... I miss my baby boy and would give *anything* to have him here with us in January. I've had a hard time sorting my feelings the past few weeks. Mostly, though, because I've been doing pretty well, I guess I just haven't wanted to "stir the pot". The first few weeks & months were definitely comparative to being stuck on an emotional roller coaster (or merry-go-round, tilt-a-whirl...whatever LOL!). After 3 long months, things finally started to even out on that front. I actually feel a bit guilty sometimes because I have been doing so well, but mostly I'm glad. I do often wonder *why* I feel ok, and here's my theory (because I know how everyone loves my theories ;))...
I think I've somehow (by the grace of God, perhaps) found a way to *really* embrace my grief and moved forward. I think of it kind of like getting a stomach bug... You know how you get that feeling, like you're gonna throw up and if you avoid it or try to keep telling yourself "I'm not throwing up, I'm not throwing up..." Which, of course, just makes that horrible, awful sick feeling worse and worse? Then, once you finally do it's such a relief?! That's my analogy for grief. The more you try to suppress it, the worse it gets, and it *will* come out eventually! So sometimes it's just better to get it out! Purge! That's how I am when I'm sick, too. As much as I hate being sick, I hate that almost-sick feeling even worse- I'd rather just upchuck.
So anyway, I do still go back and read old posts, journal entries, and look at pictures. Some people would say it just prolongs the grieving, but I think that's what's helped me in the end. And, really, more than anything it's given me a sense of reassurance. Reassurance that this really happened, that my feelings were/are valid, but mostly, reassurance that I won't forget! A loss like this is not only emotionally taxing, but it changes you. And I've come to accept that.
I think I've somehow (by the grace of God, perhaps) found a way to *really* embrace my grief and moved forward. I think of it kind of like getting a stomach bug... You know how you get that feeling, like you're gonna throw up and if you avoid it or try to keep telling yourself "I'm not throwing up, I'm not throwing up..." Which, of course, just makes that horrible, awful sick feeling worse and worse? Then, once you finally do it's such a relief?! That's my analogy for grief. The more you try to suppress it, the worse it gets, and it *will* come out eventually! So sometimes it's just better to get it out! Purge! That's how I am when I'm sick, too. As much as I hate being sick, I hate that almost-sick feeling even worse- I'd rather just upchuck.
So anyway, I do still go back and read old posts, journal entries, and look at pictures. Some people would say it just prolongs the grieving, but I think that's what's helped me in the end. And, really, more than anything it's given me a sense of reassurance. Reassurance that this really happened, that my feelings were/are valid, but mostly, reassurance that I won't forget! A loss like this is not only emotionally taxing, but it changes you. And I've come to accept that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)